


I Am What I Am

by Loveislove87



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Did I mention angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:07:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 27,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21725761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveislove87/pseuds/Loveislove87
Summary: A collection of Tumblr drabbles in one spot
Relationships: Alex Manes & Kyle Valenti, Isabel Evans & Alex Manes, Michael Guerin & Alex Manes, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 37
Kudos: 143





	1. Drive

Michael had been so wound up his body actually ached. He’d been walking around, angry at the world, and inconveniently sober, for more than 3 weeks now and literally everything was pissing him off. 

The final straw had been working in the bunker with Valenti and Alex. The close quarters had forced Michael to see just how close the other two men had gotten while he was in his self-induced haze for the past few months. Alex visibly struggled to relax around him, rarely smiling and never laughing. But he moved easily with Kyle, their bodies worked smoothly together in the tight space and, more than once, he’d seen a smile cross Alex’s face.

While it did something odd to Michael’s chest to see Alex smile it was simultaneously devastating to know he wasn’t able to do the same thing. When Kyle moved around Alex, placing an innocent hand on Alex’s lower back to do it, Michael blew one of the overhead lights. He rubbed his face, willing the discomfort he felt away, but it was no use.

“I need air.” He grabbed his coat and his hat and headed toward the hatch, choosing to ignore Alex’s concerned eyes. “I’ll check in tomorrow.”

He jumped into his truck and slammed his hand against the wheel. This was all his fault. He’d pushed and pushed until he was alone and standing at the periphery, watching everyone’s lives move forward except his own. 

He needed space. Actual, physical space.

He turned the radio up as loud as his head could tolerate and drove. He kept his window down, the cold air keeping his thoughts from wandering in a too dark direction. When a song came on he knew, he’d scream the lyrics. If a few tears leaked out when Adele came on, it was no one’s fucking business.

It was early evening by the time he pulled up to the old Project Shepherd site. He didn’t even realize this was where he was driving but it made sense. He felt lost and lonely and regretful. Who else would he turn to besides his mom? 

He sat in his truck and looked at the rubble that lay before him. Did anyone even know this place existed? That this building had stood for decades, housing living, breathing people? He wiped his face and got out of the truck.

He didn’t move too far, afraid somehow that the vileness of that site was contagious. He leaned against the hood of his car and tucked his hands in his pockets. 

“Hey, mom.” He bit his lip and shook his head. What kind of crazy, desperate ass talked to a place. Him, apparently.

“I, uh, I just wanted to tell you I’m thinking of you. That I miss you and I-” he swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked, looking up at the sky. He cleared his throat and continued. “I miss you and I love you.”

Michael moved his boots in the dirt below his feet. He didn’t know what he was hoping to gain by coming here but it was as close to family as he’s been able to feel lately. 

He stood straight, deciding enough was enough and moved around the side of his truck when something white caught his eye. He walked toward it, slowly and carefully, and felt his breath catch in his throat. It was a plank, like the board of a white picket fence. Written in small but careful writing was an epitaph.

_Mara_

_Loving Mother and Hero_

_Taken Too Soon_

Michael fell to his knees and let a sob rip from his throat. His fingers gently moved over the writing, the ground absorbing his tears. After a few minutes, when most of his tears had dried, a smile broke through and he laughed. 

He kissed the tips of his fingers and rested them gently against the makeshift tombstone. 

“I love you, mom. Thank you.”

He stood, taking in the site once more, and jogged back to his truck. The drive back felt endless but he smiled and tapped the beats of the radio on the wheel. He had a goal now, a renewed purpose. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. He supposed it had always been there but it was so clear now, there could be no denying. Everything led back to only one thing and the realization brought him peace.

Alex.


	2. I Can't Help It

“You need to leave. Now.”

Alex felt himself shaking. He hadn’t eaten in days, had maybe seen the sun once in the last week and had slept a total of eight hours in five days. There was no way he could do this now.

But Michael just shook his head and stood his ground. “No. No way. Look at you!” He stepped forward and gestured in Alex’s general direction. “You’re gonna fall down any second.”

Alex’s heart was racing and he started to feel as though the room was tipping onto it’s side. As he started to move with the change in focus, strong arms wrapped around him and held him up.

“Whoa. You’re okay. C’mon.” Michael tossed Alex’s arm around his shoulders and gently carried him, with a little telekenetic assistance, to the bedroom. Michael helped Alex lay on the bed and whispered a “be right back,” once Alex was situated. 

A few minutes later, after some distant banging and cursing, Michael returned with a tall glass of water and a sandwich of some kind. “You’ve got like, no food in this house, so PB&J’s gonna have to do.” 

Alex groaned; the idea of eating made him want to puke, but he assumed that was also the extreme hunger talking. After what felt like a lifetime, Alex had finished his food and drink and felt the exhaustion completely take over. He rested his head against the wall and was drifting off when Michael cleared his throat. Alex forced his eyes open and found a very small looking Guerin looking back at him.

“Can I help you? Get ready for bed, I mean.” He nodded towards Alex’s legs, conveying what he meant without additional words. Alex was sure he’d never been so tired in his life but he knew he’d be in agony if he didn’t get his leg off. He nodded and closed his eyes.

Alex relaxed under Michael’s gentle hands, rough fingers in contrast with the soft caresses he offered Alex’s tired limbs. He felt Michael’s hands come up to his belt buckle and his heart beat quickly for only a moment. When his pants were removed, the shivering began. Every muscle in his body hurt. He had thrown himself into Project Shepherd, desperate to lose some of the guilt he carried with him every day, but he saw now, even though he didn’t want to admit it, that it was running his life.

He felt the mattress shift and heard a quiet, “shit” from Michael. He felt his body move and was more than happy to go with it. A warmth covered his arms and back, cheek resting against strong muscle and the smell of home. The shivering stopped.

Michael’s shirt was wet, from tears Alex didn’t know he’d cried, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He moved his arm, slowly and painfully, to wrap around Michael’s middle, and held on tight.

“Why are you here, Michael?” He barely recognized his own voice, broken and scared. 

Michael sniffed and held Alex a little tighter. “I can’t help it. There’s no where else I wanna be, Alex. Just let me stay.”

Alex made a noise of contentment and snuggled in closer to Michael. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept so well or felt so safe.


	3. Ben

“Son of a bitch.” Alex leaned back in his chair and rubbed his hands over his face. 

Kyle sat next to him, beer halfway to his lips, and completely confused. “What? What’s the matter?” 

With a groan, Alex sat up a bit straighter and looked carefully up from beneath his lashes. “You see the guy who just walked in?” 

Kyle practically stood up to get a good look before Alex pulled him back down by the arm. “Jesus, Kyle, be subtle.”

“Well I don’t know which guy you mean! Like six dudes just walked in!” 

“That one,” he nodded toward the bar where Maria was now serving a good looking man, tall and trim, with a nice beard and shining eyes. “The one in the plaid.”

Kyle craned his neck and whistled lowly when he finally got a good look. “Damn, Manes. He’s almost as handsome as I am.” Alex groaned again and pinched the bridge of his nose. “What’s the problem here?”

“I thought it was a one time thing! He said he was stopping for a night. Him and his buddies are on a road trip.” Their eyes locked across the bar and Alex would totally deny the warmth that spread at the look he received. He shook his head and stared back down in his beer. “I don’t think I’d know what to say now.”

“I think you should just say hey, good seeing you again!” Alex shook his head. “No, that’s too simple. Nothing I get involved with is that-”

“Hey.” Alex lifted his head so fast he felt his neck crack. “Good seeing you again.” Alex laughed as the other man smirked. Kyle just cleared his throat and started elbowing Alex uncomfortably in the side.

“Ow. Ow! Okay! Kyle this is Ben. Ben this is Kyle.” The two men shook hands and Kyle invited him to have a seat. 

Feeling really out of practice but strangely excited, Alex wiggled in his seat. “I thought you said you were only passing through.” Ben smiled and nodded. “That I did. That I did. And then last night I met someone I thought might be worth a few more nights of alien paraphernalia and overpriced hotel rooms.” 

Alex felt himself blush and his jaw drop a bit. He wasn’t used to anyone being so open with him, feeling so clearly wanted. 

It was pretty amazing.

He was lost in Ben for a moment until he heard a whispered, “if you don’t take the man home, I will,” from Kyle. He turned to Valenti, who’s eyebrows were dancing all over his face, and backhanded him in the forehead. 

“Goodnight, Kyle.” 

Alex stood up and smiled at Ben who beamed right back. While they headed out the door, Ben let Alex lead the way, a gentle hand to the small of his back. He inquired about his day, how he was feeling, questions about Kyle. The drive to the cabin was comfortable and Alex felt safe.

As he lay next to Ben and watched as his eyelashes rested on his cheeks and his strong chest moved rhythmically up and down, Alex had the sudden realization that, even if this wasn’t going to be something more, he could do it. There were other men out there who could make him smile and make him feel good. His entire self wasn’t wrapped up with only one other person. 

With a small smile, Alex turned and rested his head on Ben’s chest who pulled Alex in close and ran light patterns against Alex’s bare skin with his fingers.

This was good. This was good.


	4. Ben Part II

“They look good together, right?”

Kyle had plopped on the stool next to him, wide smile and glass in his hand, clearly feeling the happy buzz of his whiskey.

Michael just raised an eyebrow and shook his head with a scoff. “Sure.”

He was never going to admit he’d done nothing but drink and stare at Alex and his new boyfriend all night but it was true. He kept having these small realizations throughout the evening, each one creating a larger crack in his chest. Had he ever just held Alex’s hand? Brushed his hair out of his face? Whispered in his ear like that? Made him smile that wide? Laugh that loud?

He’d spent so much time angry and bitter, determined to focus on how many times Alex had left him alone and hurt, he’d forgotten that maybe he could have done more, too.

Ben was gently wiping something off of Alex’s cheek, both men looking at each other like they were in an empty room, when a swinging hand caught his attention.

“Hello? Earth to cowboy?”

Michael scowled and turned back to the bar. He threw back his shot and slammed the glass down. “What, doc? What?”

Kyle just smirked and nodded his head. “No worries. I just got my answer.”

He finished his drink and stood, stretching casually as he did. Before heading out, he clapped Michael on the back and said, “enjoy the torture.”

Michael’s glass popped in front of him but luckily no one was near him to notice. He rubbed his face and sighed deeply. He’d never felt so uncomfortable and anxious in his life.

He got down from the stool and moved around the bar, searching for something to clean up the glass with.

“Hey, everything ok?”

Maria was all smiles, so relaxed and confident. He hoped it would rub off on him.

With a small smile he nodded. “Yeah, just broke a glass.”

A customer called for her so she gave him a small kiss then headed over to help while he cleaned up his mess.

Alex watched from across the room, the parts of his heart he thought were starting to heal, breaking just a bit once again.


	5. Stay

“Are you sure you don’t need anything else?”

Kyle looked small and vulnerable, something he wasn’t sure he’d seen since they were kids and Kyle took a nasty fall off the monkey bars.

Alex watched as Kyle shifted himself awkwardly in bed, trying to get comfortable. He smiled and said, “I’m alright, Manes. Just need a good night’s sleep.”

He shuffled back and forth, wringing his hands behind his back. He didn’t want to overstay his welcome but, for some reason, he didn’t want to leave, either. He was worried about Kyle, of course, but he was being selfish, too.

Even hurt, Kyle made him feel safe.

“Seriously, Alex. I’m okay. You’ve already-”

“Just stop, Kyle! Stop saying you’re alright and it’s alright. It’s not!”

Alex’s breathing had picked up and he’d unconsciously moved closer to Kyle’s bedside. He brought his hands to his head and tried to force himself to calm down. He closed his eyes tight and whispered, “it’s not okay, Kyle.”

In the quiet between them, Alex could make out the sound of music in the next apartment; a muffled soundtrack to their friendship falling apart.

The sheets rustled as Kyle moved himself up the bed with a groan and a grimace. “Alex, you have got to stop blaming yourself whenever he does something wrong.”

Alex shook his head and started to leave when Kyle reached out and took hold of his arm. “I’m serious, Alex. Your dad is an awful son of a bitch. But you aren’t your dad. You will never be your dad.”

The hand left Alex’s arm slowly and he immediately missed the comfort it had brought. He sniffed and wiped his cheek, unwilling to waste one more tear on Jesse Manes. 

“You got shot because I brought you to an active military site. You were hurt because of me.”

Kyle shook his head. “No. No, I chose to go with you and you were right! You were right about Shepherd. You’re doing the right thing, okay? You can’t control your dad. It’s not your fault.”

He didn’t know what to say. Those were the words he wanted to hear, needed to hear, but for some reason he couldn’t accept them. His best friend was lying in bed, bullet wound to the shoulder, unable to explain to anyone how it happened. Alex just couldn’t forgive himself for putting Kyle in danger. 

“Look, I’m gonna go,” Alex cleared his throat, guilt mixed with something new and unfamiliar clawing at his vocal cords. “You’ve got your phone. I want you to call or text me for anything, okay? Anything you need, I’ll get it.” 

Not knowing what else to say, he dug his hands in his pockets and gave a small smile. 

“Stay.” He froze, hand in mid-air on its way to the door handle. Alex turned back to Kyle and asked, “what?”

Kyle pulled the blanket closer to himself while lifting the covers on the other side of his bed. With wide, nervous eyes he repeated, “stay.”

Alex knew that this would change everything; whatever decision he made now would affect their relationship forever, one way or another.

He remembered taking a risk on another man. A safe space, a guitar, quiet confessions. It had been painful and terrifying at times but, in the end, it had been worth it. 

As he toed his shoes off he smiled, watching Kyle as he let out a small sound of relief.

Yeah. Definitely worth the risk.


	6. Saving Your Life

It had taken Alex a while to fall asleep; every small sound or shift in the sheets putting him on alert, just in case Kyle needed anything. Eventually, Alex had built up enough courage to turn on his side so he could simply watch Kyle for a bit.

They’d been awkward when he first climbed into the bed. Both men were so unsure about what this meant and what would happen next, plus Kyle was hurting and Alex was afraid to make it worse. Eventually, they just settled on their own sides, an impressive space between them.

Once Alex was convinced Kyle was okay and relatively comfortable, he’d passed out, too, and ended up sleeping better than he had in weeks, maybe months.

An odd noise woke Alex up, disoriented and feeling hungover. He realized the bed was empty and the noise was coming from the bathroom in the hall.

“Kyle?”

He got no response, just some more muffled grunting.

He leaned over and quickly put on his prosthetic, cursing the entire time. When he turned the corner, he froze in panic, finding Kyle on the floor clutching his shoulder with what looked like a small pool of vomit next to him.

“I’ll call an ambulance,” Alex practically screamed as he checked his pockets for his phone which was, of course, still in the bedroom.

“Stop! I’m okay. I just need a second.” Kyle’s voice sounded like he’d swallowed razors. Guilt immediately started eating at Alex’s gut. While he slept like the dead was Kyle awake in agony? Did he sleep through Kyle falling and puking?

“Alex!” He startled back to the moment and moved to into the bathroom. “No! I’m okay. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Alex frowned. “I don’t think so. Let me help you up.” 

But Kyle shook his head and actually moved back, pain written all over his face. “Get out, Alex. I’ve got it.”

“I don’t understand. You let me help you last night. Why can’t I-”

“Because this is different!” Alex took a step back, hurt and confusion rushing over him. 

Kyle brought his hands to his face and rubbed, avoiding looking at Alex.

“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m fine. Just-”

“Oh, just shut up, Kyle.” Alex was pissed now. “I’m not going anywhere so just let me help you!”

Kyle laughed but there was no humor there. “Just go wait in the living room, I’ll be there in a second.” He tried getting up but fell right back down. Alex rushed in, ignoring Kyle’s protests.

“Christ sake, Kyle. What the hell were you thinking yesterday?” He didn’t mean to sound so unkind, but seeing Kyle like this was agonizing.

“I was saving your life!”

“Why?”

With a scoff, Kyle looked him straight in the eye. “You know why.”

Time seemed to stop as Alex debated what to do next. In the end, Kyle needed help, whether he was willing to admit it or not, and Alex was gonna do the right thing.

With some effort, he ended up on the floor in front of Kyle. He gently placed a hand on Kyle’s leg and said, “please let me help you.”

Kyle looked down at Alex’s hand and sniffed, a blush crossing his cheeks. He nodded, eyes avoiding Alex for now. With an arm around his back for support, Alex helped him up off of the floor and back into the bed. He brought Kyle a glass of water and a wet cloth to clean himself up with. 

After cleaning the sick off the bathroom floor, Alex tentatively went back to the bedroom. Kyle was resting with his head against the wall, eyes closed and hands restless in his lap. He bit his lip and decided, once again, to try something new.

He went back to his side of the bed and removed his prosthetic. He slid under the sheets and lifted his arm, an open invitation for Kyle. After only a moment, Kyle shuffled under his arm and tucked himself in, getting comfortable with his head on Alex’s chest.

They were both quiet for a while, Alex wondering if maybe Kyle had managed to doze off. His eyes were growing heavy so he decided to see if sleep would take him, too. 

“I fell.” Alex’s eyes flew open at the words. “My shoulder was killing me and I went to find my pills but I wasn’t thinking straight. I tripped over literally nothing and fell.”

Alex tightened his arm slightly around Kyle and moved his fingers gently across the soft cotton of his shirt.

“It hurt so much I got sick from the pain and then I was afraid to move, thinking I might make it worse. And then I was just embarrassed.”

Alex knew it had taken a lot for Kyle to tell him that. If the tables were turned, he would have done the exact same thing; try to handle it himself so he didn’t bother anyone else.

Without thinking, he dropped a kiss to the top of Kyle’s head. “Let me be here for you.” Slowly, Kyle’s arm moved across Alex’s stomach, resting on his side, fingers holding onto his sweater.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Alex felt Kyle nod and the impossibly soft graze of a kiss on his chest. “Okay.”


	7. Opinion

Alex was drunk. Not just his usual tipsy as of late, he was genuinely very, very drunk. 

For whatever reason, the night before everything had finally piled up on him. He’d spent the night pacing, yelling at no one, throwing up, rocking back and forth and, of course, crying. He had screamed to the emptiness of his cabin as though Michael and Maria had been there, incoherent thoughts about loyalty and timing and unending love. He kept picturing his father, convulsing on the floor of the hospital, his brother’s horrified face. He thought of Isobel, falling deeper and deeper into darkness, no one successfully showing her the light. He’d essentially lost Kyle, which made sense, he had bigger things to focus on, like helping his sister adjust to the land of the living again. And Liz. Forget that. She was drowning.

And then there was Alex.

Sad, lonely, pathetic Alex who just kept trying to help and seeming to make it all worse. He just needed it to stop. So a bender it was.

He couldn’t drink at the Pony, way too uncomfortable to be that close to the happy couple, but he didn’t know where else to go. So, in true Alex style, he called an Uber to his cabin in no man’s land, and got himself a ride into town to the liquor store. He had run out around one, passed out for a few hours and was now ready to redouble his efforts. 

He climbed out of the SUV, telling the driver not to go anywhere, or at least that’s what he hoped he’d said, and stumbled out onto the street. He let the cool air hit his face, hoping he’d be coherent enough to get in and out without an issue.

He headed in, putting on a false smile and nodded at the child behind the counter. No way was that kid over 21 himself. He grabbed an arm full of everything he could hold: tequila, Jack, whiskey, a bottle of red. 

He got up to the counter through some miracle and struggled to get his wallet out of his back pocket, his fingers not following his mental directions.

“Are you throwing a party without me, Manes?” 

Alex froze. It was as though the universe knew when Alex was desperate to be alone and it always shoved Michael Guerin right into his path. 

His tongue felt too big and heavy in his mouth so he said nothing, just continued to fight with his wallet, now struggling to get his credit card out of it’s slot.

When he finally succeeded, a small “gotcha” escaping Alex’s lips without his permission, he risked a glance at Michael who remained at his side. From his quick assessment, Michael looked thoughtful, maybe concerned, and Alex wanted none of that.

He gathered his bags with a quiet, “thanks,” and headed back out the door. His Uber, thankfully, hadn’t moved and Alex made his way over with as much dignity as he could muster.

“What the hell are you doing, Alex?” The hand on his arm was gentle, turning him around. He couldn’t meet Michael’s eye, though. For the first time in almost twenty four hours, the shame of what he was doing, basking in self-loathing and loneliness, caught up with him. He didn’t want to see that reflected in Michael’s eyes.

“Like you said, Guerin. Party. You’re not invited. Bye.” He turned back toward his ride and once again was stopped.

“This isn’t you, this isn’t how you cope. What’s going on?” Alex swallowed around the lump in his throat. Michael’s voice was so full of kindness and concern, everything he wanted but knew damn well he couldn’t have.

He straightened up and rolled his shoulders back. “I’m not looking for your opinion on how I live my life, Guerin. I’m having a great day and you’re not ruining it.”

Michael scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Great day, really? You and Valenti getting hammered at your cabin, all by yourselves? Man, color me jealous.”

Alex thought he’d never stop being baffled by Michael. One minute, he was so sure Michael loved him, or at least cared about him. The next, he felt like he was just in the way, another obstacle, another hurdle, to the life Michael deserved.

He sighed and shook his head, embarrassed by the tears he felt come to his eyes. “Nah, Guerin. Just me. Kyle’s got more important things to do. So does Liz, and Isobel, and Maria, and Rosa and, of course, you. So it’s just me. Always just me. So I’m going to spend that time doing what I want to do and, tonight, I want to stay drunk.”

The smug look had slid off of Michael’s face and Alex recognized what took its place as pity. As he finally moved back into the Uber, he was horrified to realize he’d let some tears go and wiped them away quickly with a quiet sniffle. 

He threw his head back against the head rest and closed his eyes, hand unconsciously moving to his chest as he steadied his breath. Fuck this, fuck this place. The only thing Roswell ever had to offer was his friends and Michael and now they were all gone.

He lifted his head and looked out the window watching his childhood town fly by; a blur of beige and brown and nothingness. 

Fuck Roswell. Fuck New Mexico. Maybe it was finally time for a change.


	8. Opinion Part II

California, it turns out, is fucking beautiful.

Expensive, but beautiful.

He’d made something of a routine for himself the last few weeks he’d been on the coast. He’d quickly found a room to sublet with some roommates who were young but nice enough and an IT job that required almost no effort at all. The mornings consisted of him waking up early and doing a quick workout. It seemed like everyone in Cali was walking around like they just fell off a catwalk. Then he’d eat something and head out to the beach, a mere three blocks down. 

People watching had become a type of therapy for him, imagining the lives of other people. When he was feeling good and generous, he’d grant success and happiness on people he could tell were struggling. When he was lonely and bitter, he’d diagnose them with food poisoning and syphilis, then take it back because he felt badly.

After some loitering in the sand, he’d head to work, put in his eight hours, and head home. A lot of nights, he’d go out with his roommates or a few co-workers, maybe a few friends he’d made at the local bars. Alex discovered, after being forced against his will, that he was good at trivia and karaoke could be fun. 

He’d built a new life for himself, in just a few weeks. It gave him the optimism that he could do so much more with a few months, then a few years.

He was sitting on the beach in his usual spot Tuesday morning. It was just after 7am, a bit chilly and the sun making a late start. He’d been trying to get more comfortable in his own skin out here. He knew he had to let the jeans and sweats go, the weather too warm to keep himself overly covered, but it had been hard. He’d never been ashamed of his leg but people tended to see it and use it as an open invitation to ask some really personal questions. 

But, again, California was different. He answered some questions the first time he wore shorts, but people nodded, thanked him and moved on. People didn’t stare at him and everyone was shockingly respectful of his space.

He was proud to be able to do something as simple as sit on the beach while other people jogged by with his prosthetic on display. He was jarred from his thoughts by a loud voice on an otherwise peaceful beach.

A man was talking into his tiny little headphones in full volume while walking down toward the water. He decided the perfect spot for his morning constitutional was directly in Alex’s eye line. The man, good looking by all accounts, began doing some basic yoga moves while yelling about profit margins and money markets or something.

Alex rolled his eyes. For every laid back, enjoying the life, crunchy Californian he met, there were at least two of these Silicon Valley, wannabe chill businessmen.

“You could do worse.”

Alex’s head snapped to the side and he found a smirking Kyle taking a seat next to him.

“Ooo, sand’s warm.” Kyle wiggled his toes and Alex sat frozen and gaping.

“What the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?” Alex looked around as he spoke, wondering if Kyle had come all this way on his own. He silently cursed to himself as his chest blossomed a warm sensation of hope.

“It was not easy, my friend. When you decide to vanish, you really fucking vanish.”

Kyle leaned back on his hands and raised his chin to the sky, the sun climbing just a bit higher. Kyle looked like this was exactly where he belonged.

“You done kumbaya-ing yet?”

Alex shook his head and moved to stand up, trying to be as graceful as possible with one leg and sand. “Fuck off, Kyle.”

“Hey!” Kyle stood and turned Alex around. “I’m serious, man. We’ve all been freaking out since you left. We demolished the cabin, went through all your research, we called and called and called.” Kyle lowered his voice. “We started thinking you were abducted for Christ’s sake! Either by your psycho family or alien number who the hell knows!”

Alex ran a hand through his hair and looked back on the ocean. It had taken a few days before the texts and phone calls began. Kyle, of course was first. Then Liz, then Isobel. Eventually Maria had called and even Guerin had sent a text. That one just read, _Maria’s worried about you_. That had been enough for him to throw his phone out and get a new number.

“I just,” Alex sighed, unsure how to word anything at this point. “I needed a fresh start. Desperately. I felt like I was losing touch there. You know?”

Kyle nodded, staring out at the ocean, too. They stood together in comfortable silence, listening to the water and the birds and the people. Life moving forward.

“I”m sorry.” Alex turned with surprise. “I wasn’t a very good friend. None of us were.”

Alex shook his head but Kyle gave him a gentle shove with his shoulder and continued. “Shut up, I’m serious. I’m not gonna apologize for being with Rosa. She’s my sister and an actual zombie; she needed me and I was glad to be there with her. But I didn’t check in. I stopped helping and I know you well enough now. I knew you’d keep going, making yourself insane with work. I knew it but I didn’t take the time to check in. I’m sorry.”

Alex nodded, not trusting his voice to speak just yet. He watched as a little boy ran by, struggling to run in the sand, his father chasing behind him. Both smiling and laughing.

Alex couldn’t help but smile. “I couldn’t stay, Kyle. I broke under the pressure of everything and I finally realized how unhappy I was. And lonely. I figured, I might as well be lonely on a beach.”

Both men laughed, some of the tension floating away. “We all miss you. Some more than others.”

Alex gave a small smile. “You missed me, Valenti?”

Kyle laughed and nodded, eyebrows raised. “I did, Manes. I did indeed. But we both know I’m not who I was talking about.”

Alex’s stomach flipped and he bit his lip. His hip was starting to ache, standing on uneven ground for too long, so he headed over to a bench, certain Kyle would follow. They sat quietly for a minute while Alex gathered his thoughts.

“I love both of them, you know. In different ways, obviously, but I love them both.” He cleared his throat, a lump forming against his will. “I wanted to support them and, if I couldn’t do that, I at least didn’t wanna fuck it up for them. So I tried to smile when I saw them and ask about the other one if I bumped into them somewhere. Mostly, I just tried to stay out of the way.”

He pulled at the skin around his thumb until a bit of blood rose to the surface. “There was a day, I was standing outside of the museum, just staring at it. I don’t think I ever told you but the museum was really important to me. Guerin and I-” he cleared his throat again and looked out at the ocean, steadying his breathing with the waves. “Anyway, Maria knew about it and, well, Guerin, was there. But I was standing there, reminiscing I guess, and they walked out of there together.”

Alex turned his head away and tried as subtly as possible to wipe away the tear that fell. “They looked so happy, Kyle. Smiling and laughing, holding onto each other. I had this thought that maybe I had been in their way, you know? That maybe if I wasn’t there they would have gotten their happy ending sooner.”

Kyle turned toward Alex, shaking his head but Alex couldn’t stop himself now. “I still fucking hated them though.”

He could feel Kyle’s eyes on him, see the shape of his jaw hanging open slightly, but Alex didn’t care. This felt good. “It felt deliberate. _Let’s go to the place that means the fucking world to Alex and ruin it_.” He sniffed and wiped his nose knowing damn well he couldn’t hide the tears this time.

“I got so drunk that night, I must have passed out at least three separate times. Then I bump into Guerin of all people while I’m barely able to stand and, that was it. I knew I had to go.”

The silence took over again. The beach had started getting a bit busier. A few families, a couple sunbathers, a group that looked like they were getting ready for some volleyball. Always life moving forward.

“I can’t be happy watching him be happy with someone else. I tried, so hard, I really did. But I can’t do it. And knowing it’s Maria? Seeing my best friend with the only man I’ve ever loved? It’s unbearable.” He sniffed again and took a deep breath. “I didn’t even mention all the alien business and my absolutely spectacular family legacy.”

After a few minutes Kyle stood up with a groan and stretched with a big yawn. He put his hands on his hips and looked up and down the beach. “I’m starving. Take me to breakfast.”

Alex’s face was a picture. “What? No. You gotta go back to Roswell and I have to get to work.”

Kyle raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me. First of all, I don’t gotta go anywhere. Second, call out. I’m withering away here. If I don’t get some avocado toast or whatever these hippies eat soon I’m gonna pass out.”

“You’re like a leech, you know?” He took out his phone and sent a text off to his boss feigning a stomach bug. “I can’t get rid of you.”

Kyle threw his arm around Alex and kissed the side of his head. “I’ve missed you too, brother. Now, point me towards the toast!”


	9. Cold Cuddles

“Jesus, it’s freezing!”

Alex slammed the cabin door shut and moved back to the small kitchen table where a pile of Shepherd paperwork sat next to a small flashlight. 

Michael smiled and leaned back in his chair, curls practically glowing in the dim light. “I’m comfy, cozy, Cap.”

The two of them had begrudgingly agreed to work together once again when Alex had been able to sneak some files out of the basement of his building. Alex had been re-enlisted for about six months before even a small opportunity like this one had presented itself. 

Alex grunted and headed to his dresser, pulling out another sweater to put on underneath the jacket. He knew it was supposed to snow, he _knew_ it, and still he told Michael it’d be fine to come to the cabin tonight.

So here they were, snowed in, no power, stack of alien docs. Alex took a breath before going back to the kitchen. In another world, in another lifetime, this would have been romantic, something he’d think himself lucky to have. 

Now, in this lifetime, he wanted to crawl under his covers and close his eyes as tight as he could until the lights were on and the gorgeous ex was gone.

After shoving his jacket back on and finding a pair of gloves, he took a seat across from Michael, purposefully not meeting his eye. He lifted the first paper he saw and struggled to read it. Alex couldn’t tell if his eyes were failing or if it was his shivering that made the paper impossible to read.

“Fuck.” He whispered out. He looked up to find a concerned looking Michael staring at him.

“You’re turning blue.” Michael leaned forward and Alex forced himself to look away. His eyes were stunning in the soft light of the room. He shook his head and snapped, “I’m fine.”

It took a few embarrassing attempts to pick up the next paper, his fingers refusing to do what his brain demanded, until he gave up and dropped his head to the table.

“I’m fucking freezing.” His voice was muffled by jacket practically pulled up over his face. His hip was starting to throb from trembling and he thought he might start slurring through the numbness of his lips. 

The sound of a chair moving against tile had Alex lifting his head slightly but, before he could see what was happening, he was spun so his chair faced out. Michael stood before him with his hand held out in front of him.

“C’mere.” He tilted his head, encouraging Alex to stand.

With an eyebrow raised, Alex hesitantly asked, “why?”

An eye roll was all he got in return. So with a dramatic sigh Alex accepted the help and stood, finding himself being led to his bedroom. Michael kicked off his boots and took off his t-shirt before climbing into the bed.

Alex stood frozen, pretty sure this was a hallucination brought on by hypothermia. 

Michael just huffed. “C’mon. You’re fucking freezing to death out there and I’m a heater. Get in the damn bed, Private.”

Alex shifted his weight, an odd feeling of hope and sadness and guilt and excitement circling his mind. “Um, but-”

“She’d understand. Just come here. Please.”

A particularly painful shiver decided that was its cue and Alex gave up the fight. He shouldn’t have to freeze to death in his own home, dammit. 

He got under the covers and rolled in next to Michael. Not his proudest or smoothest moment but he literally couldn’t feel his fingers so he didn’t really give a shit.

He felt himself being pulled in close and ended up with his face resting on Michael’s chest. He felt Michael take a small gasp when their skin touched but Alex fell right into the warmth, allowing himself to wrap his arms around Michael’s middle and cuddle in as close as possible. The feeling slowly started returning to his face and he let his heavy eyes begin to shut.

This may only be a moment, a necessity, maybe even pity, but no one had to know if Alex pretended it was just a normal end of the day for the two of them, holding one another, smiling and just being. 

Reality could wait until tomorrow.


	10. Power's Out

“Ow, fuck!” 

That was at least the third time Michael had stubbed his toe on the same chair. If he pushed it loudly out of the way as though the chair had intentionally hurt him, no one needed to know.

He’d only moved into this apartment about a month ago after accepting a job in Santa Fe, a chemical engineer for an up and coming eco-firm. He was thrilled, and even more excited when he found an affordable apartment that was clean and within 10 minutes from the job.

What that meant, though, was that there were still boxes to be unpacked with half his life shoved inside. And as he stood in the middle of his pitch black apartment, rain falling and wind howling outside, he had no idea if even owned a flashlight.

A knock on the door interrupted his constant flow of curse words, although they flew right back when he kicked the damn chair one last time for good measure. 

When he opened the door, he found a dimly lit man standing before him, flashlight in one hand, beer in the other. 

Michael assumed he was hallucinating.

But the man with the perfect face smiled awkwardly and cleared his throat. “I, uh. I live next door. Alex. I’m Alex.”

He laughed a little at himself and Michael was pretty sure he’d turned into goo on legs. 

“I heard a lot of noise coming from your place so I, uh, assumed you didn’t have any light.” He handed over the flashlight and Michael thought he’d stopped breathing when the light landed just right over Alex’s features. 

“And this,” Alex said handing over the beer, “is a belated ‘welcome to the building’ gift.” Michael took the beer with a smile and then quickly realized he never introduced himself.

“Michael!” 

Alex looked startled, eyebrows raised and confusion on his face. Michael groaned and rubbed his face. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking tired. Michael Guerin. That’s me. I’m Michael.”

He put the beer on the counter and rubbed his damp hand against his thigh, realizing that he was standing in front of this GQ model in nothing but his underwear.

“I am a hot fucking mess tonight.”

Without missing a beat, Alex said with a slight wink in his tone, “yes you are.”

Michael looked up then, meeting Alex’s dark, playful eyes. 

“Listen, why don’t you put on some clothes, grab that beer and come next door to my place? I have more light and food and, I guess, even more furniture than you do.”

Alex smiled and Michael lost time. Eventually when Alex’s eyes started roaming uncomfortably around their shared space, Michael realized he never said anything.

“Yes!”

Way too enthusiastic.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Much better.

Alex nodded with a smirk. “Don’t take too long, cowboy. I’ll be waiting.”

Michael practically fell out of his apartment to watch Alex walk all of twenty feet back to his own place. When the door closed quietly behind him, Michael took a second just to breathe. 

It was gonna be the perfect night.


	11. Easy

“Whoa, Alex!”

Michael grabbed his hat as Alex flew past him heading out of the Crashdown. His face was red and he looked like he was muttering to himself.

“Alex!”

“What, Guerin? What?”

Michael could see it now, this close. Alex’s face was stained with tears, his cheeks still flaring red and his breathing ragged.

Michael’s chest clenched in concern.

“You ok?”

The laugh he received in return had him stepping back, unsure what to do.

“I was happy with him, y’know? I thought I could actually have a relationship. A loving, adult relationship.”

Confused, Michael tried asking, “I don’t under-“

“Was it that easy for you? Moving on to Maria? Leaving me behind to watch? Was it easy?”

Michael felt his mouth hang open as his heart raced. The fresh tears gathering in Alex’s eyes were reflected in his own.

“He ended it because of you. Because he knew I’d always want you. But you-“

Michael felt his legs shake at the break in Alex’s voice. He knew his touch wasn’t wanted but, god, that was the only thing he could think to do.

He reached out just as Alex looked back, eyes filled with regret.

With a deep breath and a quick wipe of his face, Alex said, “I’m fine. Sorry I bumped into you.”

Before Michael could react, Alex was in his car and driving off.

Maybe he wasn’t the only broken one.


	12. Night Out

“Okay. There are so many good looking men here tonight and not one of them is looking at me.”

Michael rolled his eyes, Isobel’s dramatics never failing to make him smile. “They might be. It’s LGBT night. Little wiggle room there.”

Isobel huffed and turned back to the bar. “Doesn’t change the fact that literally no one has even notic- oh my god.”

Michael had stopped listening as soon as the bartenders had walked out of the back room. He’d never been to this place before, off the beaten path and a little run down, but Isobel had decided she was over her shit head of an ex-husband and ready to get back out there.

He was nothing if not a dutiful brother and, hey, if he got a few drinks and a warm body out of it, not too bad.

This, however, was completely unexpected.

All night, Michael had accepted drinks from men, flirting and smiling, but no one grabbed his attention, made him want to put out any effort.

The man now standing behind the bar was a different story.

“Did you hear me?”

“Ow! Don’t hit me!”

“I have never seen someone so gorgeous in my life!”

Michael was confused, and honestly a little defensive, looking at the new bartender and hearing Isobel’s words. The first guy to catch his eye and he’s gotta bow out for Isobel.

“You think he’s gorgeous?”

Her face scrunched in disgust. “Ew, who? No her!”

Michael allowed himself to look away from the stunning man with long, soft hair he couldn’t help but want to bury his hands in. He noticed a woman with dark, glowing skin and a bright smile. If it weren’t for the piece of human perfection standing next to her, Michael would have been interested in her, too.

“So go talk to her, Iz. What’s the worst that could happen?”

She released a huff, her bangs blowing with her breath. “I get rejected. Have what little confidence I’m clinging to shattered. Humiliated when I-”

“Got it. I got it.” Michael pushed her cocktail gently toward her, the strawberry decoration falling into her glass. With an eye roll, she took a sip, red fingernails taping gently with her nerves.

“I don’t know what to say.” Michael felt a warmth move across his chest at how vulnerable she looked. He brought his hand to her slick ponytail and draped it over her shoulder.

“You say _hi, I’m Isobel_.”

With a small smile she asked, “then what?”

Michael shrugged, taking a sip of his drink. “No clue. That’s usually when people walk away from me. You’re prettier though so you should have better luck.”

With a nod, Isobel muttered, “true,” took another sip of her drink and walked toward the end of the bar with the confidence of queen. Michael watched with a smile on his face as the two women seemed to easily fall into a conversation. If her body language was anything to go by, the bartender was more than interested.

“I hope she’s just a friend. Otherwise, you may have just been dumped.”

Michael startled a bit to find his bartender standing in front of him, sexy smirk in place. His brain malfunctioned as he took stock of the man; trim shape, cheekbones for days, smooth skin, the darkest eyes.

Michael _wanted_.

“No dumping here. Sister.”

The gorgeous man with the gentle voice let out an “ah” while he poured a beer. Michael figured this was his shot.

“I’m Michael, by the way.”

The smile he got in return made his heart stutter and hand twitch. “Alex.”

Before he could offer up any more conversation, the bar seemed to swarm with customers demanding attention. Without another glance, Alex was off serving and smiling to other people; men who looked just as interested as Michael felt.

The disappointment gnawed at his gut as he continued to steal glances at Alex, laughing and joking, moving so gracefully, like he was relaxed in such a crazy environment.

After a while, he looked around, spotting his sister among the men at the bar, still talking to her bartender. He laughed as he watched her make her move, leaning on the bar and playing with the other woman’s bracelet, allowing her fingers to linger a little longer than necessary.

With a sigh, Michael put his hat on his head and threw his jacket on. He’d send a quick text to Iz once he was in the truck, letting her know to call him if she needed a ride.

As he turned toward the door, a hand pulled gently on his jacket getting his attention. He met Alex’s chocolate eyes and felt something soft in his hand. With a smile, Alex walked away, heading back to work.

Michael watched the man until the crowd blocked his view, using every second he could to memorize Alex.

He toyed with the napkin in his hand and glanced down as he stepped out of the door, smiling at the note he was passed.

 _I bet I’d look good in that hat. We should find out. Soon_.

A phone number had never looked so good.


	13. Easy

“I don’t understand. I’m missing something, right?”

Michael froze at Valenti’s voice, stepping back toward the liquor store, completely disinterested in making small talk with the doctor. 

“No, you’re not. He just never came back.”

Michael had vomited once in his life. He’d tried to see, a few years back, how much acetone was too much acetone. Before he’d gotten sick, all the saliva in his body had built up and released into his mouth. It had made him spit pathetically and his stomach had turned before finally releasing its contents.

He felt like that now, hearing Alex’s voice. It sounded so unnaturally small and void of, something.

“But he said he’d come back?”

Michael peered around the corner as Alex cleared his throat and kicked at something on the ground. It looked like Valenti had caught him right before heading home from the Crashdown.

“Uh, yeah, but he didn’t.” Alex rubbed the back of his neck then looked to the darkening sky, letting out a pitiful little laugh. “He’s dating Maria now.”

Kyle’s head looked like it could fall right off of his neck. “I’m sorry. What?”

Alex shrugged, burying his hands in his jeans pocket, trying his best to look indifferent. Michael’s heart raced. It was easy to think of Alex, away at war, son of a monster, drowning in work, and not feel much of anything. Seeing Alex. Hearing his voice. Seeing his sadness. Different story. The guilt was overwhelming.

“It’s okay, you know?” Kyle’s jaw dropped and he shook his head, eyebrows raised dramatically. “Uh, I do NOT know.”

With a sigh, Alex explained, “I just keep hurting him. No matter how I love him; from across the world, from across the town, from across the room, it’s not enough. It doesn’t fit for him. It’ll never make up for what’s happened. And, honestly, after waiting an embarrassingly long time for him, I get it.”

Kyle quirked his head. “Get what?”

“The message. He doesn’t love me. Can’t love me, I guess.”

He pulled his keys from his pocket and patted Kyle on the shoulder who pulled Alex in for a tight hug, instead. Michael flinched at the show of affection, an uninvited pang of jealously working in his chest. 

“I’ll be okay. Time to move on, right?”

Kyle smiled and nodded. “Lots of fish or whatever. When you’re ready, Manes, I’ll be your wing man. Anytime, anywhere. I’ll start Googling gay bars!”

Alex’s laugh was beautiful, melodic even, and filled the now quiet street. Michael bit his lip, hard, to stop himself calling out Alex’s name, wanting to hear that sound again.

“Thanks, Kyle.” Alex climbed into his car and drove off with Valenti getting into his own and doing the same. Michael rested his head against the wall where he’d been silently watching, frantically blinking away his shame. His hand moved to his chest, pressing over his heart, as it raced with thoughts of Alex with another man. Alex smiling and happy with someone else. Touching and being touched by someone else’s hands.

Once again, he realized he’d only pictured his immediate future, an unrealistic tunnel vision future. A life with Maria would be easy and fun. He could hide his secret for as long as needed, he’d done it for almost thirty years already. But he’d failed to remember they didn’t live in a bubble. Of course he’d see Alex. Of course Alex would move on. Of course someone else would love Alex. 

Loving Alex was so easy after all.


	14. Connect

He wakes up with Maria’s arm draped across his stomach and tears streaming down his face. His heart is racing and his body feels like it’s being pushed into the mattress with a feeling he doesn’t recognize.

With as much grace as he can muster, trying to quiet the panic without waking Maria, he slides out of the bed, pulls on his clothes and rushes out of the bar. By the time he pulls up to the mines, he’s sobbing so hard he can barely breathe. Michael had gotten into his truck with no destination in mind. He had been pulled to this spot by whatever was breaking his heart.

He got out of the truck, door swinging on its rusty hinges, and he stumbled into the mines, only to fall on his knees when he managed to make it into the space. 

Rosa Ortecho looked at him with sad, terrified eyes while Liz laid on Max’s unmoving body. It took him seconds to piece together what had happened but he had no idea what to do now. 

Literally dragging himself along the dusty earth, he pulled Liz to him, her exhausted body falling easily into his. Together, they cried. When one’s tears would stop long enough, they’d wipe the cheeks of the other, push the hair out of their face and whisper a calming, “shh” in their ear. 

After hours of this, they’d pulled one another up and collected the needed silver. They’d ritualistically unclothed him and poured the shining substance all over his cold, ashen skin. Together, they gently moved him into the pod and stood, silently observing and expecting nothing.

“Maria can’t replace him.”

With a sniffle and a wipe of his nose, Michael took a deep breath and looked at Liz. Her voice was small and brittle after so many hours filled with screaming and crying.

“What?”

She cleared her throat and began cleaning up the cave, setting up a small sitting area in front of Max’s pod before tossing her bag over her shoulder and walking slowly to where Rosa had stood like a statue in the corner.

“I know you felt what I felt. That’s why you came here. It’s a two way street, Mikey.”

She took his hand and squeezed, giving a small smile. “I’m gonna get the love of my life back. Are you?”


	15. The Last Piece

It had taken him forever to get everything he needed. Turns out, moving the airstream and opening the bunker without telekinesis was damn near impossible. It had taken 2 trips to the hardware store and the sacrifice of the Jeep’s bumper but he’d finally been able to open the fucking thing.

Slowly and carefully, backpack firmly in place, he made his way down the ladder, quietly repeating _don’t_ _fall_ _don’t_ _fall_ _don’t_ _fall_ to himself. Alex wasn’t afraid of a little injury and he could even handle the embarrassment a spill may bring but it would kind of ruin his plan if Guerin found him sprawled out on the concrete of his private bunker unconscious.

Alex had been thinking about how to do this for months now. He’d been the bigger man and smiled while his tongue bled at Maria when she had held his hand and explained she’d fallen in love with Michael. He’d kept his voice steady when he’d told Guerin he understood and was happy he was happy; hoped they could be friends. He dated Forrest, one of the coolest men he’d met in a long time, living the kind of life Alex wished he’d had the chance to try for. But Forrest had driven off with a sad smile and a cloud of dust.

No one seemed to choose him in the end, after all.

Frankly, he was wiped out; physically and emotionally exhausted from making sure everyone else was safe and happy and comforted. He needed a clean break.

By some miracle he’d managed to avoid Michael and Maria the last week or so. He’d gone through the last of the Shepherd documents he had and put them on a drive for Valenti to give to Guerin. He’d made sure Liz and Rosa were starting to adjust, offering what little comfort and support he could. He’d even had a movie night with Isobel where he was able to take some selfish comfort that she was in a better place.

This was the last of it.

With a quiet sigh of relief, Alex’s boots hit the floor. He found the light and stood silently, taking in the space that was filled with Michael. He couldn’t help but smile when he realized it even smelled familiar; a little mucky with a contradicting freshness. Michael always smelled a bit like a river, but, a river you watched peacefully, surrounded by flowers and grass and clean air.

After a few moments of nostalgia, he moved, quietly making his way to the other side of the bunker. A shaking hand gently lifted the sheet, exposing Michael’s partial ship.

He brought the backpack around his body and hugged it close to his chest. After this, he was done. Alex was ready to let go of the last piece of Michael he had. He closed his eyes and willed his heart to slow down, feeling nauseous with sudden doubt.

Maybe he couldn’t do this. Maybe he wasn’t ready to let go.

But Alex knew the truth, knew he had to. He forced images into his mind of Michael and Maria, laughing and smiling and kissing. He imagined them stumbling up the stairs of the Pony, waking up warm and satisfied together the next morning.

He gulped and nodded his head, determination fueling his movements. He took the final piece in his hands and smiled as it came to life; gorgeous purples and pinks drawing stunning pictures in motion with his fingers.

Alex would miss the comfort this small piece brought him. It felt natural to have it in his possession, to touch its cool, opulent surface on an almost nightly basis. He’d lay in bed some nights, imagining Michael steering the ship into darkness, further and further away from him.

It used to cause him to panic. Now, he realized, it’s been replaced by guilt.

With one more brush of his fingertips, he carefully placed the piece amongst its brethren and stepped back, surprised by the emotion he was suddenly struck with.

Picking his bag up from the floor he reached in and pulled out a sealed envelope with Michael’s name on the front. Clearing his throat and refusing to cry, Alex placed the letter on the work station and moved back toward the ladder, ready to get out of this now suffocating space.

This ship would give Michael his answers, maybe his freedom. This ship would give Alex closure, maybe his freedom, too.

With his first step, a bright light and the sound of a small engine purring to life stopped him. He turned slowly, looking over his shoulder at the now complete, and seemingly powered ship.

A quiet voice in his head was telling him to run. He had no idea if this ship would hurt him or what fumes it may give off in such tight quarters. But the louder voice, the one that always reminded him a bit of Michael, was saying to take it in, save it to memory.

The ship really was beautiful. Small and effervescent, it glowed from nose to tail, and released a hum that Alex found soothing and peaceful and…familiar.

With a small, satisfied smile, he began to back away, appreciating each moment he was able to keep this perfect spectacle in sight. Once his back hit the wall, he found himself nodding once again, this time with a feeling of deep respect and gratitude filling his chest.

“Captain.”

With shock and a tingle making its way up his spine Alex moved closer to the vessel, head tilted in confusion.

“Yes…”

“We’ve missed you, Captain. We’re ready for your command, sir.”

A nervous laugh escaped his mouth as he moved closer still, stomach clenching in fear and anticipation. “I’m sorry, I don’t-don’t think I understand.”

“How can we help, Captain?”

Rubbing his neck and looking around the space for help he knew he wouldn’t find, he took a chance and asked, “can you tell me who…who does this ship belong to?”

Alex found himself, for reasons unknown, only slightly surprised when it responded.

“You, Captain.”


	16. Look Away

“I don’t understand.” Maria’s voice wavered slightly as she tried to follow Guerin’s half-truth story.

He moved a hand through his hair, frustration and anxiety practically muting him, Maria’s agitated concern on one side, Alex’s stoicism on the other.

“I watched my mom die, seconds after I met her. It was-I couldn’t…”

Maria moved her hand into Michael’s and squeezed, her other hand holding onto his bicep as he regulated his breathing and gathered his thoughts.

With a deep breath, he tried again. “I see her, every night. And then I worry about Max. When he’s gonna be back, is he okay.” Michael lowered his head, gently caressing Maria’s soft fingers intertwined with his own. “I’ve been an ass, I know. It’s just-the booze gives me a break, you know? I can’t think clearly so it’s easier.”

Maria nodded and wiped her cheek. “I get it. God, I wish I’d known. I wouldn’t have been so hard on you. Pushed you to pay up,” she added with a small smile and a shoulder bump.

Michael laughed for the first time in a long while, feeling some burden lift. But then movement on his left grabbed his attention and the heaviness returned.

Alex stood tall, covering both Michael and Maria in his shadow. His hands were shoved in his pockets and his focus on the field ahead. He moved his head slightly, catching the light in the darkness, and Michael saw emptiness in his eyes. All Alex had been lately was determined; determined to find answers, to dress differently, to date, to smile, to be kind, powering through his life like it was one set of challenges after another.

For whatever reason, that look seemed to vanish tonight.

He cleared his throat and looked down at Michael and Maria, an empty smile on his face. “I’ll see you two around.”

With that, Alex headed around the building to the parking lot, moving as quickly as he could without being too obvious.

“Hey! Alex, wait!”

He refused to stop, his agony being held inside by nothing but sheer willpower, waiting to explode.

“Alex, stop!”

“Why?!”

Michael froze mid-stride at Alex’s response, startled by the anger and the tears.

“What now, Guerin? What?”

“I-I don’t. I don’t understand. You’re upset?”

The look he got was answer enough. “I’m sorry. I must not have read the memo clearly enough. I thought you were planning on explaining, to me, why you’ve been a complete asshole these last few months. I must have missed the part where I’d have to listen to you re-tell a story I lived through while you left out some _really_ important parts.”

Michael threw his arms out wide, hair blowing wildly in the evening wind. “ _That’s_ why you’re upset?! I’m not ready to tell her yet! And you don’t get to decide who and when I tell, if I decide to say anything at all!”

“Oh, okay. So not only do I have to hear you apologize to Maria for being an a dick while I get nothing, but I get to watch you mend your relationship _and_ continue to feel guilty that I know your little secret and she doesn’t!”

“That apology was for you, too!”

Alex rolled his eyes and made a noise that sounded dangerously close to a cry. “My mistake. I must have missed it while I was watching the two of you cuddle and make up!”

Michael turned his back to Alex and practically growled, kicking the dirt, causing the car near him to lift slightly. He stood solid; shoulders moving, hands on his hips, looking at the ground. Alex debated just walking away, getting in his Jeep and not looking back. But Michael spoke before he could move.

“I’m never gonna do the right thing for you, am I?” Michael’s voice sounded tired and spent. Alex had heard him resigned before and always felt responsible. This time was no different.

“I love you and Maria.” Alex practically whispered, not bothering to try hiding the emotion in his voice. Michael turned to look at Alex, eyebrows furrowed but guard still fully in place. “I understand why you want each other, why you work together. And I really want you both to be happy.”

Alex pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He just wanted to get through this and then he’d go, leave Roswell for while, someplace cooler maybe, for some fucking peace. “But you asked me to meet you here. You said it was important. You didn’t tell me Maria would be here so I thought-”

Michael’s body seemed to melt at Alex’s confession but Alex couldn’t stop. He took a step back hoping the distance would give him courage. “Then you tell her about one of the most traumatic experiences of your life. You skirt over Max’s disappearance. I was there. I’ve been here for you the whole time, as much as you let me. And then you make me watch while you tell Maria about what we-”

Alex balled his hands into fists, trying to control the tremble that had begun. Michael always made him feel like he was about to burst, from one emotion or another, but this felt different. Like he was standing on a cliff edge and he knew the fall would hurt, end it all.

“I thought that I made it clear, how much I love you, that I’d do pretty much anything to keep you safe. I know _exactly_ who you are and I love you.”

Alex’s chest hurt and his throat burned. Michael tried moving closer but Alex stepped back once again.

“I know that you don’t feel the same way about me. Maria told me you said we were over months ago, but I guess I was just being naive.”

He dug his keys out of his pockets, suddenly desperate to be alone. “I shouldn’t have kept hoping. That’s my own fault.”

Alex sighed and moved toward his car but barely got anywhere before Michael had his arm and was spinning him around.

“You can’t just walk away after all that. We need to talk about this.”

Alex took his fill. The curls and the hazel eyes with the sheen of tears. The soft mouth and stubbled cheeks hiding a strong jaw. The feel of his hand holding tightly to Alex’s coat.

“I have nothing else to give you, Michael. Just stay away from me. Please.”

Alex drove off with a stunned Guerin in his rear view and, for the first time in over a year, he finally felt a little lighter.


	17. Don't Look Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follow up to Look Away

Guerin was everywhere.

He’d had enough respect to give Alex a wide berth and to not speak to him but he showed up anywhere Alex seemed to be.

Alex picked up burgers at 11 am when the Crashdown opened. Michael was already there.

Alex went to the grocery store in the middle of the night. Michael was in the next aisle. 

Alex went on a date at the Pony. There was Michael.

He’d been trying so hard. Trying to live a normal life. Trying to breath more freely and spend time rediscovering what it was he actually wanted to do; who he wanted to be. But, even if Michael wasn’t in his space, he was still consumed by him.

As a small form of self-inflicted torture, Alex had taken himself on a tour of the newly renovated UFO Emporium. He’d stood in their room, in their spot, and closed his eyes. That moment would forever be _the_ moment of his life.

“Feeling nostalgic?”

Alex’s head whipped to the side as Isabel entered the room. He’d never admit it but he admired her something fierce. She was exactly who she appeared to be and refused to apologize for it. She’d been through hell, a type of hell Alex could empathize with, and she’d come out of it swinging and taking no prisoners.

She was a fucking bad ass.

Trying his best to play it cool and push down the emotions he’d been a bit overwhelmed with, he simply shrugged. “Haven’t seen the changes yet.”

Isabel nodded, heels clicking on the tile. They ended up shoulder to shoulder staring at a glass display of rock samples.

“You know my brother’s been through hell, right?” Alex refused to take his eyes off the fake rocks, afraid of what Isabel’s face might look like. He bit his lip and nodded silently.

“No one’s ever shown him how to cope when things go bad.” She moved slowly around the small case and met Alex’s gaze through the glass, alien artifacts between them. “He grew up with alcoholics and religious zealots. He didn’t speak for a long time and then, when he did, he didn’t want to talk about anything; he always buried it. Then the drinking and the one night stands.”

Alex found himself nodding subconsciously. He knew Michael had seen it all, been through more than anyone should ever suffer. None of this was a surprise to him having heard it from Michael himself.

“I think you gave him hope for awhile.” Alex rolled his eyes at that and turned away, mock disbelief covering for his regret.

“Excuse me, I’m still speaking.” He froze and waited for Isabel to round on him, moving into his space and looking him dead in the eye. With a sigh, she said, “he was treated horribly as a kid, then as a teen and people kept letting him down when he was an adult-”

Alex made a small, pained noise and tried shifting away, but Isabel’s perfectly polished fingers took hold of his wrist, her strength surprising and undeniable. “We all let him down, Alex. At some point we all messed up. But that doesn’t mean that the way he’s coping now is healthy. Or that it’s gonna last.”

She gave a small smile and headed slowly out of the room, pausing at the doorway with an exasperated sigh. Alex couldn’t help but shake his head at her dramatics but met her at the door nonetheless. They walked back out into the sunlight together, not saying a word.

“She’s my best friend.” Alex’s voice was quiet and hoarse. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually spoken to anyone. “And he’s the only person I want to love. I can’t-I can’t just watch them together. It’s not okay.”

As his voice cracked, Isabel moved her hand into his and squeezed. “He’s lying to her everyday. He’s keeping the biggest part of himself, the biggest events of his life, from her. Their happiness is pretend. And maybe he needs that right now. I don’t know your deal with DeLuca and, I’ll be honest, I don’t care that much. But maybe Michael needs soft and fluffy happiness right now and he’s working overtime to convince himself he has it.”

All he could do was nod and squint into the sunlight. “I know. It’s bullshit, but I know.”

“Do you box?”

Alex huffed a laugh at the sudden change in subject. “Do I what?”

Isabel groaned with annoyance. “Box. Like, do you know how to fight?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah. I’m not great or anything, but I can fight. Why?”

She turned and she blocked out the sun. “I want to learn. How to defend myself. You can teach me.”

Alex raised an eyebrow in challenge. “I don’t know. Like I said, I’m not-”

“You come to my place on Saturday afternoon. You teach, I give you food and wine.”

Alex tried to imagine Isabel fighting and sweating and, to his surprise, he could actually picture it. “Sure.”

He gave her a small smile and headed toward his Jeep, pretending not to notice Michael’s truck outside of the Crashdown and ignoring how his heart skipped at the sight.

“Hey, Alex!”

He turned toward Isabel, her voice pulling him out of his own thoughts. “It’s all gonna be your choice in the end. When he comes back, because he will, _you’ll_ get to decide the next play. Secrets only stay secret for so long. “

With that, she gave a wink and headed off, slick ponytail swinging side to side.

Alex got into his Jeep and closed his eyes. He had no idea where his future was going but Isabel, some sweat and a lot of wine sounded like a fun start.


	18. I Don't Look Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part three

He’d been tense for too long. He really had tried avoiding Alex, giving him the space he deserved away from the perpetual mess that was Michael Guerin, but it was as though they were constantly being pulled into each other’s orbit.

As his own form of punishment, he’d forced himself to stay home for close to a week, pouring through some documents Valenti had delivered on Alex’s behalf. Like a good boy, he stayed away from the booze and only took small sips of acetone when he felt himself getting tired.

Texts from Liz and Maria went ignored and unanswered, while Isabel only received clipped, one word responses. It was after a night of fitful sleep, dreams of Noah, and pain, and his mother’s weak smile, and Alex, trapped behind glass, that he realized he couldn’t isolate himself anymore.

Bright and early the next morning, Michael forced himself up and took a long shower. With some fresh clothes and a purpose, he headed into town on a mission. 

Family first. 

Isabel was the only family he had left. The only family that hadn’t been sacrificed. 

Or pushed away. 

He was gonna make damn sure he didn’t lose her, too.

With the few dollars he had, and with what little charm he could muster, Michael bought his sister’s favorite bottle of red and a bouquet of brightly colored flowers. He tipped his hat to the woman at the counter, who had generously offered a ten percent discount, and headed to Isabel’s.

Sober and with a fresh take on his surroundings, Michael was surprised at how much of Roswell brought Alex to the forefront of his thoughts. The UFO emporium. The drive in. The Crashdown. The Pony. It made a sadness creep into his chest; unwanted but undeniable.

When Isabel’s house came into sight, Michael slammed on the breaks, confused and concerned. Next to Isabel’s car in the driveway sat a familiar Jeep. His heart raced as every scenario, the stupid to the scary, ran through his mind. Before he could let himself get carried away, he pulled in and hopped out, wine and flowers grabbed with no finesse, cellophane crunching under his grip.

The door opened and Michael froze. In the middle of the immaculate living room stood Isabel in full work out gear with a glisten to her skin and Alex, holding up boxing mitts, sweat clinging to the long, dark hair at the nape of his neck.

Isabel was laughing; out of breath but clearly having a great time.

“That was better. Focus on accuracy, though, not-” Isabel had surprised him with a punch to his left mitt, knocking him slightly off balance.

“-not brute frickin’ force. Ow.”

Isabel stood triumphant, hands on her hips and chin raised. Michael thought she looked like a queen. Or a warrior. Both.

“Don’t be mad, military. Just ‘cause I can hit harder than you.” She gave him a light tap on the cheek with her glove and turned her back, heading toward the kitchen. “C’mon, it’s wine time.”

Without looking back, she added a deliberately loud, “hello, Michael!”

Instantly he saw Alex tense. What had obviously been a fun and relaxing morning, Michael managed to turn sour with just his presence.

He sighed and took off his hat. “Hey, Iz.”

Deciding it was worth the risk, he moved slowly into the room, watching as Alex took off his boxing gear and ran a towel over his head.

“Alex.”

“Guerin.”

If it was possible, and clearly it was, Alex was more beautiful every time Michael saw him. His eyes shined in the sunlight streaming through the windows. He had started to grow out a beard which only made his jaw line look even more well-defined. His forearms looked so strong, veins decorating the muscle there. Michael couldn’t get enough.

Clearing his throat, Michael said, “I, uh, didn’t mean to interrupt. I had just hoped to catch up with Iz.”

Alex nodded, focused on shoving all his stuff into a large duffel. Michael was suddenly overcome with fear that Alex would leave and he had no idea when he’d see him again.

“You’re not interrupting. We were just finishing up.”

Alex tossed the bag over his shoulder and offered Michael the most insincere smile he’d ever seen. His chest hurt with realization the he’d put that facade there. He was the one who had shoved Alex hard enough that the walls had flown back up. He was responsible.

“I’ll see you around, Guerin. Tell Isabel I’ll text her, yeah?”

Michael nodded dumbly, unsure of what to say and positive he couldn’t make Alex stay. He watched as Alex climbed into his car and drove off.

“You, my beloved brother, are an idiot with the worst timing.”

Michael huffed a laugh and shook his head. “No shit, Iz.”

With a dramatic plop, Isabel dropped herself onto the couch looking like she just stepped off a runway, not from workout. “You chased away my partner in wine.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. But here.” He offered her the wine and flowers with a small smile which she took cautiously, eyebrow raised in suspicion. “Did you do something?”

Michael made a noise of pretend offense. “Me? Absolutely not. Not today at least. I don’t think, anyway.”

They both laughed as he sat next to her, hands playing mindlessly with one another. “They’re to help me say sorry, actually.”

Isabel turned, serious look on her face. “For what?”

With a shrug, he said, “for not being here. For being so absorbed in my own shit, forgetting everyone else had shit, too. You, especially.”

The room was silent but comfortable. Without a word, Michael knew he was already forgiven but it didn’t feel like enough.

“Alex is gonna be around more. He understands.”

Michael shifted on the couch, turning toward his sister who was staring out of the large window. “Understands what?”

She turned to him, eyes hard but sad. “What it’s like to have someone who’s supposed to love you abuse you.”

Michael bit his lip and nodded. Another example of what Michael had pushed out of his mind to focus on his own losses.

“I know why you like him, you know,” she said with a smirk and a bump to his shoulder. “He’s really kind and surprisingly insightful. Funny, too, although he can be a real di-”

“Love.”

“Hmm?”

“You said you know why I like him.” Isabel nodded in agreement. “I don’t like him. I love him.”

She gave a small smile. “Which is evident when you date his best friend.”

Michael scrunched up his face in pain and walked to the window, pressing his clammy forehead against the cool glass, eyes shut tight. “Practically every bad thing that’s happened to me involves Alex. I-I don’t blame him; the shit that’s happened isn’t his fault. But he’s tied to it. I see him and I remember everything that hurts.”

“Example, please.” Michael jumped slightly, finding Isabel standing next to him suddenly.

He lightly bumped his head against the glass a few times, willing himself to talk about the images that haunted him.

“Like Caufield. I meet my mom and then, literally bam, she’s gone. He was there. He brought me there. I see him, I think of her.”

Isabel’s hair moves over her shoulder as she nods. “So Alex showed you that there are more of us that exist here, you met your mom and he got you out alive.”

Michael’s head whipped so quickly to face her he thought he heard something crack. “How do you know all that?”

She shrugged. “Combination of things. I’ve been able to read you like a book since we were kids. Plus, I’m Alex’s best friend now so, I know things. Or, at least, his perspective on things.”

Michael rolled his eyes and began pacing, hands moving wildly. “So, what? He thinks I should thank him or something?”

The look of exasperation on Isabel’s face was borderline comical. “You’ve met Alex, right? You think he’d ever say that? Really?”

Michael deflated. “No. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Iz.” He moved back to the couch and sat, head in his hands, fingers gripping his hair tightly.

“He’s all I think about.”

The cushion dipped next to him and a hand rubbed comforting circles on his back. “Then why DeLuca? I get that you need time to work through your feelings about Alex. Trust me. I understand. But why her? Why be cruel?”

He looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. “I didn’t mean to hurt Alex. It’s just…I like her. I really do. And she wasn’t ashamed of me the way I thought Alex was. She’s not complicated, either. I look at her and I like her and she likes me and it’s, just, simple.”

Isabel’s soft hand came to rest on his cheek wiping away a lone tear, then turning his face towards hers. She practically whispered, “but it’s a lie, Michael.”

He nodded, biting his lip and trying so hard to keep it together, but Isabel was having none of it. She pulled him in by the back of the neck and held him close, tucking his head under her chin. Michael couldn’t hold it together anymore. He sobbed, cries shaking his body and making him gasp for air. He held Isabel tight, squeezing a little too hard, but desperate for the comfort she brought.

“Alex may hurt, but he’s real. He knows you and he loves you. He’s real.”

His throat burned and his eyes ached, the tears refusing to stop. But her words became a mantra, echoing in his ears with each breath he took, each time his heart beat.

_He’s real. He’s real. He’s real._


	19. The Last Piece Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to The Last Piece

Michael felt something jolt to life within his chest.

The bottle slid out of his hand, echoing loudly on the bar and grabbing Maria’s attention. She moved closer to him looking concerned.

“Hey,” she placed her hand gently over his. “You okay?”

Michael looked up and met her gaze. Minutes ago, he felt he could get lost in her; it was so easy to forget the dumpster fire that was his life. Now, her hand felt too soft and yet too heavy. Her eyes were still stunning, but they were the wrong shade of brown.

He cleared his throat and stood quickly, checking his pockets and thankfully finding a few bucks to throw down. “Yeah, I’m just not feeling great. Must’a ate something off earlier. I’ll see you later though, yeah?”

He didn’t wait for an answer as he practically jogged out of the bar and ran to his already running truck. He still couldn’t label the feeling in his gut. Was it nausea? Could he finally be sick?

Without putting any thought into where he was going, Michael sped back to his place, feeling a pull so strong it was beginning to feel overwhelming.

He froze when he found Alex’s Jeep outside and the airstream shifted to of place.

With shaking legs and a slideshow of every possible scenario running through his mind, he headed down the ladder into his bunker.

He didn’t expect to find Alex, huddled in a corner and staring at a fully functioning ship.

“What did you do?”

Alex jumped, seemingly unaware of Michael entering the bunker at all. His jaw moved as though he wanted to speak but nothing came out.

“Commander.”

A chill ran from the back of Michael’s head, down his spine and into his toes. He slowly turned his head to find Alex slowly nodding his.

“I had the last piece. Of your ship. The piece it-it attached and then it started talking.”

Michael turned back, mouth hanging open in awe, and moved slowly toward the glowing vessel, afraid it might vanish in front of his eyes.

“I’m the Commander?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Holy shit.”

He put his hand to his chest, feeling his heart race beneath his shaking fingers.

“Alex, get out.”

Michael heard no movement behind him so, a bit louder, he repeated, “get out!”

Over the years, Michael had his fair share of beatings; being hit, kicked, slapped, pushed, pick the poison. Being lifted as though he weighed no more than a feather and then thrown across the room, hitting the far wall so hard his breath was all but gone, that was another thing entirely.

As he panted on all fours, the taste of blood gathering in his mouth, he looked up, bewildered.

He met Alex’s eye and finally saw the confusion and fear there.

“I know it might be a bit hard for you, but you’re gonna need to watch how you talk down here now.”

Michael huffed, his anxiety and excitement bursting out of him sarcasm and apathy.

“And why’s that, Alex?”

A small, but arrogant, smirk crossed Alex’s face at Michael’s words.

“Because that’s my fucking ship.”


	20. Maybe its all Part of a Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael's skeptical of the new woman in town. She helps him in ways he only dreamed.

Everyone had fallen head over heels for Tess Harding. She was the new blood in town, turning all the heads and charming everyone off their feet.

Michael was not impressed.

There was something about her that made him uncomfortable, something that felt too familiar. He’d tried mentioning it to Isobel and Max, but they brushed it aside, claiming he was just being paranoid and needed to relax.

She seemed to be everywhere he was. If Isobel had a dinner party, she’d be there. Drinks at the Pony? She’d get the first round. Lunch at the Crashdown? She saved everyone a seat.

“Mikey, do you think you’re just not used to nice people?” Liz took a bite of a fry and raised an eyebrow. Michael scoffed in response. “I know nice people. You’re okay.” He got a smack on the arm for that. “There’s just…ah! I dunno, but there’s something.”

Liz leaned in conspiratorially. “You think she’s from—” as she pointed to the ceiling.

Michael rolled his eyes and whispered, “no. I think we’d pick up on that. She’s just not supposed to be here. With us”

Liz pet Michael’s hair in comfort before messing it up entirely. “Just relax, Mikey. She’s nice, we all like her. Have some faith.”

*******

That night would turn out to be one of the most bizarre of his life.

Everyone had gathered at the Pony to celebrate Kyle’s birthday. Maria had pulled out the karaoke and the drinks poured freely. She had brought so much light and happiness to his world that had once always felt thick and suffocating. He did everything he could that night through his buzz to focus solely on her; her smile, the feel of her soft hand on his arm, the wink she threw his direction.

But Alex was there.

Alex who was clearly putting on a brave face for his friend but would have rather been anywhere else. Michael took a drink as he watched Alex scrape the polish off his thumb. He sat slightly away from the others, hands held in his lap and eyes remaining steadily on Kyle.

Michael’s chest tightened at the sight. Alex’s boyfriend, a complete tool named Forrest, had been a complete whirlwind with his blue hair and tight, black clothes. He’d been funny, or so everyone always said, and made Alex laugh in a way that made Michael want to crawl into bed and never leave it again. Then suddenly Forrest was gone, and Alex was different.

He was sad.

Michael knew, conceptually, that Alex had always walked around with a dark cloud over his head. Who wouldn’t with the tyranny of Jesse Manes hanging over them? But Alex had worked his entire life on hiding it, keeping that part of himself hidden away.

It was upsetting to see it so obviously on display now.

After draining his beer, Michael headed back up to the bar to order another, waiting patiently as Maria served other customers.

“She’s beautiful, that one.”

Michael groaned and rolled his eyes. Tess had snuck up on him, all blonde hair and pouty face. She smelled like cotton candy, too strong and too sweet.

“Yes, she is.”

“So’s he.”

Michael glanced at Tess; eyebrow raised in suspicion.

“Who?”

She let out a giggle and nudged him in the side. “Don’t be coy. It doesn’t work for you.”

Michael made a face, one he hoped said he didn’t care, and said “whatever,” before turning to face the bottles behind the bar again.

“Why are you with Maria when you love Alex?”

Slamming both hands onto the bar, he pushed his stool back and turned to Tess finding her cool and completely unbothered.

“I don’t know what your deal is but back off, okay? I don’t love Alex. Don’t know if I ever did. I love Maria.”

He watched as a sadness swept over her features before he closed his eyes with regret, immediately realizing his mistake. He saw the glass get placed on the bar next to his empty bottle, chipped, black polish coating the nails of the hand that placed it there.

He turned slowly, afraid to see the look on Alex’s face.

Alex was taking money out of his wallet, shaking hands struggling to pull the bills apart.

“Alex, I didn’t—”

“It’s okay, Guerin.” He threw down a twenty and looked at Michael with watery eyes and a fake smile. “I needed to hear it.”

He left quietly, getting lost in the rowdy crowd covering the floor. Michael stood, debating what to do. His stomach turned as he imagined Alex crying, Michael making him feel worse than he already had.

Deciding he could only dig the hole deeper, he sat back down, putting his head in his hands. He fucked up again.

Tess cleared her throat next to him. He looked up, mood changing from annoyed to spoiling for a fight. “What _is_ your deal, Tess? Who are you? Why are you everywhere all the fucking time?”

She took a sip of her fruity looking drink and smiled once again. “I’m just here to help, Michael.”

“To help who?”

“You.”

He laughed and took her drink, downing the sickening concoction in a desperate move to start forgetting about this evening.

“Michael.” He looked at her, completely exasperated. “I think you’ve created a lie in your head to justify your life and the decisions you’re making. You’re ignoring the truth and it’s going to hurt so many people in the end.”

Michael just shook his head and rubbed his face. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Tess rolled up her sleeves and sighed, the first sign of frustration she’d ever let slip. “I do. Just let me show you.”

“Show me?”

“Yep. It’ll just take a minute.”

Before he could ask what would, her hand was on his arm and his vision went white.

When his eyesight returned, he was in Maria’s bed, alone and with a raging headache. Thinking he really needed to cut back on drinking, he stood and headed to the bathroom.

It was when he was throwing water on his face in the hopes of becoming coherent again that he noticed the ring. A plain gold band on his left ring finger. He stared as the water continued to run, filling the sink to the point of overflowing.

He took it off and moved it between his fingers. “What the fuck?”

Michael ran out of the bathroom, flooding be damned, and tore open the dresser in the bedroom. He found his boxers, jeans, t-shirts mixed in haphazardly with Maria’s underwear and bras, her tank tops.

He moved into the living room, searching for more proof of what he was beginning to think was a life he didn’t remember. Staring at him on a shelf above the TV was the photo. Maria looked beautiful; hair pulled back with a stunning white dress. He looked awkward in a suit, a bright shade of blue and a pink flower stuck in the lapel. He took the photo in his hands, fingers tracing the image. An odd mix of emotions warred in his chest. Comfort that he had a family, a woman he loved and who loved him. A home.

But what about…

Michael placed the photo delicately back on the shelf and went back into the bedroom to find some clothes. He needed answers.

Downstairs the early crowd was taking up space at the bar. It took seconds for his eyes to land on Maria. She was glowing, just radiating beauty and confidence, and the smile that broke across his face couldn’t be helped. She turned to the till, eyes catching Michael and raised an eyebrow before turning back to the customer with a smile.

She walked over, all sass and hips, with a look of skepticism on her face.

“You’re awake then.”

He smiled and pulled her in by her waist. She still smelled the same, which, for whatever reason he took comfort in. He had no idea what this life was or what it meant, but some things never changed.

“Ew, no affection please. You’re supposed to stop that when you get married.”

Isobel was leaning on the bar, hair pulled back and make-up perfectly in place. He released Maria just to lean over the bar and hold onto Isobel’s hand, a maneuver that looked to startle his sister.

“Hi.”

Isobel tilted her head. “Hi.”

“How are you?”

She laughed, taking a sip of her drink. “Same as yesterday. You?”

“I have no idea, Iz.”

He had so many questions. He married Maria so he must have told her the truth, right? Did he own the bar, too? Was he still just the town drunk?

For whatever reason, those questions weren’t the ones to leave his mouth.

“Where’s Alex, Iz?”

She froze, one sleeve in her coat and looked uncomfortably around the bar. “Why are you asking me that?”

He shrugged, feigning indifference while praying she’d answer the question.

“The last one of us who heard from him was Kyle. Six months ago, now, I think. New York.”

He nodded and looked down at a water ring fading slightly on the bar. His finger traced the sticky shape, thoughts drifting to another time.

“Michael.”

He looked up and saw pity on his sister’s face. She took his hand in hers and squeezed. “You made the choice you had to make. You love Maria and deserve to be happy. The fact that Alex couldn’t handle it is not your fault.”

She gave him a small smile and headed out of the bar.

Michael was frozen. Alex was gone. He was the reason Alex left. He lived, once again, in a Roswell with no Alex Manes.

“Hey.” Maria had gently cupped his cheek. “You alright?”

He nodded, embarrassed by the tears in his eyes. Unafraid to take a risk in a world he didn’t understand, he said, “I miss Alex.”

She bit her lip and nodded back, pulling him in for a hug. He closed his eyes, resting his head on her shoulder. With her hands petting his hair, she whispered, “me, too.”

She placed a gentle kiss to the side of his head. “Love you.”

The light behind his eyelids was too bright and painful.

The Pony came back into focus with a smug Tess sitting next to him.

“I fucking knew something wasn’t right with you!”

She rolled her eyes and took another sip. “That’s your takeaway?”

Michael looked around. Nothing was new or different. “How much time passed here?”

Tess shrugged in return. “Maybe a minute.”

“So, what? You can predict the future? Show it to people?”

Smiling, she nodded. “Yeah. It’s a gift and a curse. I can’t manipulate it or anything, but I can see it coming.” She took another sip and spun around in her stool, facing the crowded bar.

Michael eyed Maria at the other end of the bar, still conversing with the same customer.

“What did you think?”

Michael rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, trying to formulate his thoughts.

“I dunno. It was nice. Maria’s amazing and for some reason she loves me.”

“She does.”

They both sat in silence, Michael eventually turning to scan the room as well. He noticed Kyle getting increasingly drunk, dancing and overly supportive of anyone getting behind the microphone. Isobel looked like she hadn’t had a sip all night although Michael knew she was just better at keeping it all together. All his friends were present and accounted for.

Except for one.

“Is that a future you’d be happy with?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s good.”

“No one missing?”

Michael gave her the side eye, unwilling to share too much too soon.

“It seemed good.”

Tess nodded and faced him, hundred-watt smile in place.

“That’s good.”

She placed her arm back on his and, once again, the world went fluorescent.

This time as he blinked himself right again, he woke up in an unfamiliar bed. It was bigger than Maria’s, a bit softer, too, with the most comfortable pillow he’d ever slept on in his life. He was curious to see which version of the Magical Mystery Tour he was on now, but the bed was so damn comfortable he took a minute to just enjoy.

With a sigh and a side of nerves, he climbed out of the bed, not bothering to put any clothes on this time around. He looked down and noticed a nice pair of burgundy briefs he was absolutely sure he’d never waste money on if he had the choice.

He cautiously opened the door and tiptoed into a cozy space. A fire roared with a dog sound asleep in front of it. The whole room smelt of balsam and smoke.

_“Take me into your loving arms. Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars.”_

Moving quickly, Michael found the source of the singing and threw his hand over his mouth to cover his cry.

Alex stood in the kitchen, cooking at the oven, in essentially the same outfit as himself. His strong back was a little less tan but just as broad and Michael felt a wave of pride at the prosthetic firmly in place and on display.

It took a minute for Michael to notice the ring on Alex’s finger. He had moved just right, shifting the pan on the stove top, that it had caught the light shining in through the small window. He looked at his own left hand and brought it in front of his face. His ring was a silver color with a band of glowing, changing material in the middle.

His ship.

“You’re awake then.” He smiled wide at Michael, looking more comfortable and at ease than Michael had ever seen before. “Pancakes okay?”

Michael nodded dumbly, unable to form words. Alex gestured with his head to the end of the kitchen. “Coffee’s ready.”

Forcing his feet to move, Michael headed toward the pot, the dog in front of the fire propping its head up and wagging at his presence. He stopped and gave its head a pat, wondering what its name was. When he turned back, Alex was plating their breakfast and putting it on the small table. Before he could pass, Alex puckered up and closed his eyes. Michael was helpless to do anything but oblige.

Alex smiled before giving Michael another quick peck and a smack to the ass demanding he get them both caffeine.

Michael moved through this world like a dream, an out of body experience. His life with Maria had felt safe and friendly, nothing seeming to change. But this world? This was an Alex he was completely unfamiliar with, a man so comfortable with himself he was barely recognizable. He felt a wave of nausea as he wondered if he had been the key to this, to Alex’s health and happiness.

How the hell did they get here?

They sat together in amiable silence enjoying their breakfast. Michael almost stabbed himself in the mouth with his fork when Alex’s foot started roaming up his calf.

When they’d finished up and Alex was at the sink rinsing their dishes, Michael thought it was only fair to take the same risk in this world as he had in the other.

“Where’s Maria?”

Alex didn’t stop what he was doing, soap bubbles floating in the air around his scrubbing hands.

“Shit, I knew I’d forget! That’s ten bucks to Izzy.”

Michael shook his head and furrowed his brow, looking around the room.

Izzy?

“Maria and Isobel want us over for dinner tonight or tomorrow, whatever works for you. I know you were planning on going to the lab with Liz and Kyle for a bit this weekend, but I couldn’t remember which day.”

Michael lifted his hand to stop Alex from continuing and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. Maria and Isobel?”

Alex shut the water off and grabbed a towel for his hands. He leaned back against the counter and Michael physically held onto his chair to keep himself from pouncing on the perfection.

“Yes, Maria and Isobel. You alright?”

He could do nothing but nod, completely overwhelmed and confused.

Alex laughed and tossed the towel absently behind him. He stood in front of Michael, hand moving through his hair and straddled him. “You’ve been working too hard. You deserve a break.”

Michael’s brain short-circuited as Alex began kissing along his neck, nipping him in just the right spots. His hands slid up Alex’s bare back and held him close. He closed his eyes and blushed as a tear slid down his cheek. It must have landed on Alex who sat back with a look of concern on his face.

“What’s wrong?” He cupped Michael’s face and wiped away the tears with his thumbs.

Michael shook his head, holding Alex so tight he was worried he might be hurting him.

“I love you. I’m sure I don’t say it enough. I love you.”

Alex smiled and rubbed his nose against Michael’s.

“I love you more.”

As the white light began to creep in, Michael pulled Alex into a kiss and tried to push every ounce of adoration he felt into it.

When he opened his eyes, Tess was holding a tissue for him.

He took it quickly and wiped his eyes then blew his nose. He scanned the room making sure no one had noticed him get so emotional.

“How was that?” Tess raised her eyebrow and leaned in with a smirk. “Good?”

Michael sighed and shook his head. He found a few bills in his wallet and placed them on the bar. He took a good look at Maria, a woman who made him feel special, worthy, and knew exactly what he needed to do.

“Not good.”

Tess sat back, a look of surprise on her face.

Michael leaned in and gave her a quick kiss to the cheek.

“Great.”

He walked with confidence out the door, unsure of exactly what he was going to do but knowing exactly who he was moving toward.


	21. I'll Always Choose You

It had been the longest year of Alex’s life.

His seventeenth year living alone with his father had felt long. His first deployment felt long. The second even longer.

His first year being in Roswell with Michael but not _being_ with Michael? The longest.

He’d been proud of himself when Michael and Maria sat him down, neither able to look him in the eye, on the back deck of the Pony, each of them looking across the empty field instead of at each other.

Alex had clamped down on his emotions, swallowed his protests and sadness, and smiled, as genuinely as his muscles would allow. He had nodded along as Maria did all the talking, explaining how Michael was always there to help her, there for her when her mom kept getting worse instead of better, made her feel safe and adored. He agreed when she said she deserved to be loved.

In the moment, he hadn’t been able to find the words. How could he express his happiness for his friend without breaking down with his own loss?

With a hug for Maria and a quick glance to a stoic Michael, Alex had left.

Sleep left him wanting that night. He moved from his bed to the shower to the porch to the bed to the couch, restless and uncomfortable. Without his permission, Alex kept imagining life from then on. There would be no way to avoid them and he knew, for his own sanity, those relationships had to be over. Maybe one day he’d rebuild with Maria though he couldn’t picture it now.

But Michael?

Alex sat with his third glass of whiskey, mindlessly petting a sleeping Buffy’s head, trying to slow his heart rate. It was done. He knew Michael was the one, his person, the one he wanted to spend his life with. He’d known it when he was surrounded by computers, orders being barked in his ears across the country. He’d known when his lungs were filled with hot, desert sand and his ears echoed with explosions. He’d known it as soon as Michael put a hand on him at the airstream, turning him around and stopping the world.

Michael was the one.

But he wasn’t his. And he never would be.

“May your happiness last forever,” he toasted with a slur to the darkness. With a swig, the dark liquid was gone and the glass landed on the floor with a loud clank. Clumsily, he took off his leg, fingers not moving the way his brain was commanding. Eventually he felt the sweet release of the last latch and tugged the sock off, tossing it onto the couch.

Somehow, he managed to get to the front porch, hopping and holding on to anything he could find, too unclear to remember where he last had his crutches. He landed with a groan on the rocking chair, holding his arms and rubbing to keep warm against the early morning chill. The sun was shining through the trees, casting large shadows next to pools of warmth on the ground.

As he watched the sunshine spread and claim its territory, Alex made his decision. He’d do the right thing by Michael. He’d get all the intel he could from Project Shepard and then shut that shit down for good, make sure Michael and the Evans were just another trio of nobodies from Roswell. And he’d do it all while staying away. Michael wanted easy, simple? Maria wasn’t the only one who could give him that. Alex could be a ghost, vanish into the background to give Michael a chance at the life he deserved.

Even if it wasn’t with him.

So, for a year, Alex was an enigma. He went to work during the day, boring data analysis he could do in his sleep. But at night, he used his clearance and the information he not so legally obtained to hack into old records, disbanded programs, anything that looked like it could possibly be associated with UFO investigations.

Kyle checked on him regularly, bringing him greasy bags of goodies from the Crashdown or his mom’s empanadas. He’d stay, sometimes, chatting about interesting cases at the hospital or quietly combing through new files, sometimes updating Alex about the latest town gossip.

Never about Michael, though.

The last month had been insane after he’d acquired the final pieces of the Shepard puzzle and handed them over to a newly risen Max with his five thousandth apology.

Max had squeezed the files in his hand, knuckles turning white and papers wrinkling, before pulling Alex into a surprise hug. Max had whispered an emotional, “thanks,” before letting him go and walking away. That moment felt final, like Alex could finally close the book on the disaster that was his family’s legacy. With his father in military prison for the foreseeable, Alex was finally free of obligation.

The next few nights after handing over the last of Shepard, Alex sat in the bunker, computers silent, only a few lights on, and breathed in the peace of it all. At first, he’d sit with a smile on his face, shoulders relaxed, and hands unfurled. He slept well for the first time in a long time. But on the third or fourth day, sitting in that bunker with no work to be done, no worries to be had, a new reality struck Alex.

He had no purpose. And no one.

His job was through. Responsibilities complete.

It was these thoughts running aimlessly through his mind that put him in his comfortable sweats with a glass of whiskey in his hand. As he decided a Scott Pilgrim rewatch sounded good, his phone rang, Kyle’s name popping up on the screen.

“Hi.”

“When were you gonna tell me, Manes?”

Alex stupidly looked around the cabin for the answer to Kyle’s question. “Tell you what, Valenti?”

A muffled scoff greeted Alex. “About you and Guerin? Liz just told me. I’m so happy for you, man!”

“Whoa, whoa,” Alex stood up from the couch too fast, spilling his drink a bit and trying to cover up the wet spot on the floor before Buffy came to get sloshed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“They split up, Alex.”

He froze, afraid that if he moved Kyle would say _just kidding_ and his heart would shatter. He took a deep breath before mumbling, “I haven’t spoken to either of them in, like, a year.”

“Yeah I know that, you dumbass, but it doesn’t seem to matter.” Alex rolled his eyes at Kyle’s enthusiasm.

Grabbing some paper towels from the kitchen, Alex leaned over and cleaned up his mess, Buffy never moving from her prime location on the couch. “What doesn’t seem to matter, Kyle?”

“Ugh, oh my God you have to get out more! That he hasn’t seen you, Alex! He broke up with her for you! He still loves you!”

A wave of nerves moved through him but he was in strong denial. There was no way. They hadn’t seen each other, hadn’t spoken. Michael didn’t feel anything for him, at least nothing that wasn’t disgust and anger. Plus, Maria was perfect, they fit well together.

“This doesn’t make sense. If you’re fucking with me-“

“No chance in hell, dude. I would never mess with you over Guerin. Never.”

Alex dropped the towels and sat back on the couch, eyes staring at the black tv. “I’ve gotta go.” He hung up before Kyle could say another word and felt the phone fall out of his hand.

Hope.

He’d promised himself it was done, that he was done. Michael had made himself clear: loving Alex was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Alex had been determined the fix what he could to keep Michael and the people he loved safe. He did that. He did it while staying out of everyone’s way. He did exactly what he was supposed to, followed his plan to a T.

So why would they break up?

He grabbed a glass of water and downed it, gasping for air once it was gone. He refilled it and repeated one more time. Confused, scared and exhausted, Alex climbed into bed, a tolerant Buffy allowing him to hold her close. It took a few hours for sleep to come, so many scenarios and thoughts clouding his brain, keeping it too busy to shut down.

Eventually, he started counting Buffy’s soft snores and he fell into a restless sleep.

The sound of metal against metal woke Alex, hand instinctually reaching into his bedside table for his gun. But he paused when he noticed his room was filled with sunshine, Buffy was missing but not barking and his intruder was humming a Fall Out Boy tune he couldn’t find the name of.

He wiped his eyes and quietly slid his prosthetic on. Kyle must be in one of his moods. Maybe feeling guilty about the bullshit he called with the night before.

Turning the corner, kitchen in full view, Alex thought he might faint. Flipping pancakes in his cabin like he owned the place was Michael fucking Guerin.

The warm feeling that coursed through his chest couldn’t be denied. Michael looked perfect standing there, first thing in the morning, in his socks making breakfast. He was smiling, still humming the same song while Buffy sat wagging at his feet. Alex covered his mouth, physically restraining himself from speaking, afraid he’d beg Michael to never leave.

As he stood silently watching, that warmth turned to anger and bitterness. This was such an invasion of privacy. Alex knew he’d locked the door the night before. And, besides, they hadn’t spoken in months. Michael’s solution to that was to show up, uninvited? Play the domestic game?

“I don’t remember giving you a key,” Alex said when he found his voice and was confident he was in control again.

Michael jumped slightly but the smile never left his face. “You know me. Don’t need ‘em. Hope you’re hungry. Made your favorite.”

Moving a bit closer, Alex furrowed his brow, sure Michael had no clue what his favorite food was. Excitement flooded his veins as he watched Michael put the finishing touches on churro pancakes.

“Go on, sit down. I’ll grab you a coffee.”

Maybe it was the early hour or the shock of seeing Michael or some combination of both, but Alex moved in a daze to the small table and took a seat, wrapping his hands around the mug of perfectly made coffee Michael placed in front of him.

When the churro pancakes slid under his chin, Alex was pulled out of his shock.

“Michael, what the hell is this?”

He got a smirk in return, all straight, white teeth and plump, pink lips. “Just tryin’ to do something nice, Private.”

“Why now?”

With a mouthful of pancakes, Michael shrugged and asked, “why not now?”

Alex pushed his plate away, stomach churning with anxiety. “It’s been a year, Guerin. Your relationship had its run and now you don’t wanna be alone? So, where’s Alex? Bet he’s just sitting there, alone and pathetic, waiting.”

Michael shook his head and straightened his posture. “No, that’s not what this is.”

“Then what is it?” Alex stood and walked outside, needing space and more air than the cabin could offer. He gripped the wood railing, counting his breaths and listening to the birds chattering. The sun was pushing through the branches, tossing light here and there, a sliver of it landing on Alex’s hand, warming one up while the other stayed cool.

The door squeaked open and he heard Buffy’s paws on the decking before he felt Michael standing next to him, giving off a warmth he missed.

“I’m gonna make an assumption so I apologize in advance if I’m wrong.” Michael sounded hesitant, unsure. He waited for a response from Alex but must have decided he wouldn’t be getting one. “You’ve always hated Roswell.” Alex raised his eyebrows, his body naturally responding to the truth.

“I’m guessing you didn’t realize it was the only place that felt like home until you were overseas.”

Alex didn’t know what to say. The idea of agreeing with Michael didn’t sit right with him but he couldn’t deny that while he was spending nights in makeshift tents and praying the last bomb was _the_ last bomb, he wasn’t dreaming of Roswell.

“So, you always hated me?”

Michael laughed and shook his head. “Jesus, we’re so good at this communication shit, huh?”

Alex laughed, too, and looked out over the property, watching a squirrel grab an acorn and run off with his treasure, holding it selfishly in its paw. “I guess so.”

“You left me. You helped me realize I was bi, you were so nice to me and then you were gone. I resented you for ten years.”

“Michael, I told you that I shouldn’t have-“

“Shut up. Just let me finish.” Alex pouted as Michael raised his hand. “When you came back, I hoped. I was an ass about it sometimes, I know, but I hoped we had a shot, that you still felt the same way about me. About us. But you didn’t want to be seen with me, didn’t want people to know about us, you pushed me away over and over again. So, after everything, with my mom…”

“You needed someone who’d stay close.”

Michael nodded and looked at his boots, kicking a twig onto the dirt. “I didn’t choose Maria to hurt you.”

Alex scoffed, “fucking felt like it, though.”

“Well, I didn’t.”

Alex shook his head, his bottle of empathy run dry. “I told you I loved you. That I wanted to start over again. I was ready.”

Michael nodded. “I didn’t believe you. And I shouldn’t have to work on _your_ timeline.”

Alex tilted his head toward the cabin. “Okay. So why should I have to work on yours now?”

Michael bit his lip and looked toward the trees. “Fair enough.”

They stood in silence, listening to the sounds of undisturbed nature around them. Alex was still angry, filled with confusion and caution, but he’d be lying if he said simply being in Michael’s presence didn’t bring him comfort.

“I don’t get your analogy.”

Turning, Michael leaned against the banister and Alex had to look away. With his tight t-shirt and curls blowing in the breeze, Michael looked like a fucking dream.

“The war analogy?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah, that one.”

“It’s a bad one, but I convinced myself I didn’t love you. Then I was with someone else I know I loved and realized it’d never come close to how I feel about you.”

Blinking rapidly, Alex refused to cry. When he knew he had control of his voice, he asked, “are you gonna look away again?”

Michael slowly slid his hand into Alex’s and squeezed. “Never.”


	22. One More Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beautifully boys who need to talk. Fluff, angst, happy ending.

“How long you gonna stare, Guerin?”

Maria had shifted from tequila to wine like the rebel she was. Leaning against the bar with a comfortable, smug grin on her face, Michael knew she was special. She was one in a million. 

Just not _the_ one.

“I, DeLuca, am staring at nothing.” He got a disbelieving scoff in response and muttered a quick, “shut up,” into his water.

“C’mon, Michael. This is it, right?” She leaned into his space taking hold of his forearm across the bar. “He’s single again, you’re single. You’re sober, you’re working, Max is back. Life is, like, good for a change.”

She put down her glass to take hold of his chin, turning his head to look at her. “He’s all that’s missing now.”

Maria had closed the bar for the night, the gang gathering for a very sloppy, over the top, birthday celebration for Kyle. The space overflowed with balloons and booze and the best, homemade Mexican food north of the border. All night, everyone had been smiles, the walls echoing with laughter and fond stories.

Michael noticed but barely took his attention off of Alex, who sat quietly, entertaining people who stopped by his table briefly, sipping on the same beer all evening. 

He sighed, patting Maria’s soft hand still resting on his arm. “Thanks for the advice, lady, but I fucked that up royally a long time ago.”

“Bullshit, Guerin.” He spun around at that, pleasantly surprised. Maria held her booze well but the first sign of a drunk Maria was an aggressive Maria. “You’re just too chicken shit to walk over there and try again.”

“I can’t do it.”

“Why?”

He turned on his stool, his back to the room, and put his face in his hands. When he looked up, Maria’s face was close to his, full of kindness and concern.

“I’ve said shit, Maria. Like, definitive, mean, _never getting together,_ kinds of shit.” He sighed and scratched his head. “I don’t think I’d forgive me.”

“He loves you. We all know it.”

Michael shrugged. “Not enough.”

She shook her head and sipped her drink. “You don’t know that.” When Michael didn’t answer, she upped the ante.

“Jesus, I dare you.”

Laughing, Michael said, “excuse me?”

“I dare you, Mr. Chicken Shit, to go talk to Alex. Say hi or ask him to dance or chat about the weather. Anything. But I dare you to go talk to him. Now.”

Michael huffed out a laugh and shook his head, bringing his hand to cup Maria’s cheek. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

She lifted her chin and her glass in the air. “Damn right.”

Michael smiled and slapped both hands on the bar. “Alright, challenge accepted. Wish me luck.”

He watched the smile slide from Maria’s face and followed her gaze to the quiet corner of the bar. The seat Alex had occupied all night was now empty. A wave of nerves and a sense of dread filled Michael’s gut as he searched the space for that dark head of hair but came up empty.

“Go, go get him.” Maria tapped him on the cheek and headed to their friends while Michael threw his hat on his head and jogged out of the bar. He practically slid to a stop when he saw the Jeep was still in the lot.

Slowly, Michael walked toward the driver’s side, thinking of what to say, how to start a conversation with someone you’ve barely spoken to and probably hurt beyond repair. He took his hat off, holding it close to his chest but stopped a few feet from the car.

Alex was in the driver’s seat, engine running, hands on the steering wheel.

And he was sobbing.

Michael had seen Alex cry before, his gorgeous eyes well up with tears, a few allowed to trickle down his cheeks, some landing in the corners of his mouth. He’d been the cause of them more than once.

But this was different. This was pain. Or grief. Maybe both.

Alex’s whole body shook and, through the closed car door, Michael could hear his cries, his gasps for air. He watched, feeling helpless, as Alex’s knuckles turned white where he squeezed the wheel too tight. His mouth, always a tight line of plump, pink lips, was now wide open, his cries escaping into the vehicle with nowhere else to go.

Before he knew what he was doing, Michael pulled the door open so fast it nearly came off it’s hinges. He pulled Alex to face him by his arm and the back of his neck and held him close. Michael’s collar became damp instantly. He didn’t know if it was tears or saliva but he didn’t give two shits either way. Alex’s arms had come up under his arms and was pulling on his shirt, taking fistfuls of the fabric and holding on tight.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Michael tried to pry, find out what was happening, in between whispering reassurances and shushing him like Isobel had done for him a few times.

Time had stood still, Michael devastated by Alex’s pain but terrified that something was truly wrong. Without warning, Alex sat up straight and pushed Michael back, putting about a foot or two between them.

“I’ve gotta go.”

Michael grabbed the car door before Alex could slam it in his face. “No. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Alex just shook his head, eyes looking straight ahead with his hand still on the door trying to pull it closed, solider facade trying to return.

“Alex, please! Let me help!”

The saddest sound Michael had ever heard left Alex’s mouth. “You’re perfect together. I’m glad you’re working it out but, my God. I can’t watch anymore. It’s fucking killing me, Michael. It’s killing me!”

More tears gathered as Alex’s breathing became uneven once again.

Through his head spinning, Michael finally realized what Alex must have thought, what he put together. He and Maria had broken up weeks ago, privately and kindly. She was tired of feeling as though she wasn’t enough and he was exhausted trying to pretend she was. Maria had told him after a kiss to the cheek to fuck off and she’d call him when she was ready. He’d smiled and kissed her back telling her he’d be waiting.

She called. They talked. They rebuilt. And their friendship quickly became something he’d longed for most of his life. The intimacy they’d had for years was still there, though, and Alex, who had missed their friendship during his deployment, only saw its surface. Affection. Flirting. Love.

“No no no. Alex, look at me. Please, just look at me!”

Alex took a few deep breaths and turned his head, tension pulsing off of him with every beat of his heart. “We’re friends- “

“I don’t want to be your friend- “

“Not us, you idiot. Me and Maria. We’re just friends.”

Alex scoffed. “That’s right. I like to pet Kyle’s face while we talk, too.”

“Uh, I know, I’ve seen the two of you. You aren’t far off.”

“Guerin!”

“I’m serious, Alex! We aren’t dating. We broke up but stayed friends. Good, good friends.”

Alex moved his hands over the wheel, gaze back out to the parking lot.

“She was getting me to go talk to you.” Alex looked at him with an eyebrow up. “I couldn’t get the balls to do. When she finally got my ass up, you were gone.”

Biting his lip, Alex shook his head and dropped his hands to his lap, picking at his fingernails. “When will the jealousy stop?”

Michael felt a lump form in his throat and took a cautious step forward. “There’s nothing to be jealous of.”

“Your friendship with Liz, your relationship with Maria, siblings who love you, all the women you took to bed before Maria, maybe after, how smart you are, how brave you- “

He was cut off when Michael felt the overwhelming need to show Alex his love. They’d hurt each other, over and over again, unintentionally and with purpose. Alex had plenty of reason to be scared now, to put his walls up and hesitate. But Michael would show him, every minute from now on if needed, how important he was, how loved.

When their lips parted, Michael’s now salty with the remnants of Alex’s tears, their eyes met. The utter shock and surprise in Alex’s eyes caused guilt to rip through Michael. How fucking convincing had he been that Alex believed Michael couldn’t love him anymore?

“There’s nothing to be jealous of,” Michael repeated, hands tangled in Alex’s soft hair, shifting his head subtly back and forth so he could take in every last feature, every detail of Alex he could.

Michael’s thumbs brushed away the last of Alex’s tears and he smiled at the dumbstruck look still painted across the man’s features.

Dramatically, Michael cleared his throat and took a respectful step back. He picked his hat up from the ground where it dropped when he’d run toward the Jeep, and smiled.

“Alex, I’d like to take you on a date. There’s this great burger joint in town, The Crashdown. Maybe you’ve heard of it?”

The small smile he got in return was worth the cheesiness.

“I hear they’ve got the best chocolate shakes in Roswell.”

Michael nodded, grinning ear to ear. “Oh, they do. Absolutely.”

Alex sniffed and wiped his face, shoulders relaxing and some of the strain from his voice fading.

“I like chocolate shakes.”

“I remember.” The blush painted across Alex’s cheeks made Michael’s knees weak. “Can I pick you up tomorrow? Around 6?”

Alex nodded, biting his lip to contain his smile. Michael thought he’d never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

He moved forward, kissing Alex gently on the cheek, memorizing the feel of stubble, the smell of cedar, the line of his cheekbone, the feel of his breath on his face.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Alex. Drive safe.” He offered a small bow before putting his hat back on his head and stepping away from the Jeep.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Alex smiled as he closed the door, even giving a small wave before he drove off.

Michael waited until the only evidence of Alex was the dust cloud his car left from the road before letting out a howl and tossing his hat in the air.

He got another chance. He wouldn’t fuck it up this time.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria's got the sight

It had been a few weeks since the last vision. There was a constant hum under her skin, though, this uncomfortable feeling that at any moment she’d be thrown off kilter, tossed into someone else’s life. So far Maria couldn’t figure out a rhyme or reason, why she’d seen Kyle injured moments before it happened, then Isobel in the throws of it all with an unknown brunette, Max dropping a bottle of whiskey two nights ago. It all seemed completely disconnected.

And the lack of predictability was making her itch.

With her newly discovered gift, Max’s trial run as a bartender, continuing to care for her mom and the constant ache she felt when she saw Alex, who was making a steadfast effort to avoid her, she also had the luck of a surly cowboy on her hands. Michael had been off for a few days but, in typical fashion, refused to talk about it, always steering the conversation to a safer topic with a curl of his lips. She fell for it every time.

She passed by Michael as often as she could, refilling his drink and giving his hand a squeeze each time. The bar was thankfully filled to the brim, the warmer weather bringing in the tourist crowd. She watched Max struggle to make their cocktail special, tongue stuck between his lips and brows furrowed in concentration, when her eyes blurred, and her breath was taken.

_Alex stepped down from his Jeep, a look of pity in his eyes. His headlights shone on a large animal, crumpled in a ball, unmoving. Slowly, he made his way around the carcass, one hand running through his hair while the other picked his phone out of his pocket. Before he could dial, a bright light appeared from behind him. His mouth opened in a silent scream._

_When the light faded as quickly as it came, the Jeep stood alone._

Maria took a sucked in a breath and found she was being held up by Max with a concerned Michael inches from her face. “You okay, DeLuca?”

She shook her head, pulling at his shirt. “Alex. It’s Alex. Go find him. Now!”

The panic that filled Michael’s eyes reflected in Marias. She was gently lowered to the floor and she watched as Max and Michael ran out of the bar. With her hand to her chest, she tried to calm her breathing, feeling her heart racing beneath her palm.

They’d help him. They had to help him.


	24. Just a Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Pastelwitchling 
> 
> Poem owned by Michael Vlamis

“You’ve been an asshole lately. What’s going on?”

Michael froze with a fry to his lips, eyebrows knit together. “Nothing’s going on, asshole.” He tossed the fry at Max and they laughed. It had been a long road back, rebuilding their relationship but today, sitting together at the Crashdown, he felt content.

“Seriously though,” Max took a sip of his shake, eyes shifting over to watch Liz greet a new set of customers. “You’ve been more surly than usual. Snippy.”

Shrugging, Michael kept his eyes on his food. “I dunno. I guess I’ve been feeling, kind of, wound up?”

“Everything okay with Maria?”

Michael nodded, taking a bite of his burger and resisting the urge to spit it out. Everything tasted like nothing lately. “Yeah we’re fine.”

With a smirk, Max muttered, “romantic.”

The truth was something wasn’t sitting right anymore. The time he spent with Maria had always been quiet, no expectations, no fear, no nerves. He could just exist and laugh and breath. But lately it didn’t feel like enough.

“I’ve been wanting simple for a long time, you know? Someone not so tangled up in our extraterrestrial bullshit that they couldn’t just be with me. And Maria is perfect. I can just be myself. No pressure.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

Rolling his eyes, he stole Max’s shake and took a big gulp, ignoring the stink eye he got in return.

“Alex.”

“Alex?”

“Alex.”

“Why Alex? I thought you guys were friends?”

Michael scoffed, drawing designs in the green froth with the straw. “Can you just be friends with someone you love?”

“I’d never be able to be Liz’s friend after all this.” Michael looked up to witness Max’s dreamy gaze drift back to Liz who stuck her tongue out and winked back. “But I also can’t imagine not having her in my life so, I guess I don’t know…hey!”

Max wiped the milkshake Michael had flicked in his direction off his face.

“Thank you, Maxwell. Very helpful.”

“Well I don’t know! If you love Alex why the hell are you with Maria?”

“I just told you why!”

“You just told me why you decided to be with Maria in the first place. You didn’t explain why you’re still with her.”

“Oh, shut up, Deputy.”

They both chuckled and went back to their food, Michael mindlessly shoving one fry after another into his mouth while his mind raced. He thought he loved Maria; when they were alone, laughing and holding onto one another, he felt peaceful and was sure it was love. But in the rare moments he dared to compare it with his feelings for Alex…

“Write it down.”

Michael raised his eyebrows and looked around, confused. “Huh?”

“It’s how I coped when I loved Liz but couldn’t tell her. I wrote her love notes. Helped me deal for a while.”

Snorting, Michael said, “we’re not all Tolstoy, buddy.”

Tossing a fry at Michael’s forehead, Max muttered, “fuck off, I’m serious. Write him a note, explaining everything or apologizing or ending it or whatever you need.” He shrugged and took a bite of his burger. “I kept mine ‘cause, well, you know. But you could rip yours up or burn it, whatever dramatic choice you wanted to make.”

“You boys need anything else?”

“Yeah,” Michael smiled at Liz and rested his chin in his hand. “I’ve gotta know how you do it.”

She smiled and tilted her head, ripping their bill from her pad. “How I do what?”

“Deal with this cheesy motherfucker.”

**********

That night, he’d left the Pony a bit early, giving Maria a quick kiss and apologizing for not staying, offering some excuse about files to review or formulas to work on. He couldn’t even remember.

He sat in the airstream, crickets chirping loudly outside, with a tiny lamp illuminating the space. Bringing his knees to his chest, he rested his head against the cool aluminum and stared at the blank piece of paper, twirling his pen between his fingers.

Glancing towards the door, he remembered the first time he’d seen Alex in almost a decade, how beautiful he looked but the way he stood, obviously prepared for a battle. Michael grimaced when he remembered his words, _a real Manes man._

How many times over the months, years, had he said the wrong thing? Made Alex feel small when he may have had the power to help him feel tall again. Crawling out of his too small bed, Michael opened up a box and pulled out his favorite photo. Alex looked so relaxed, even though he still carried too much weight for a seventeen-year-old kid. The years had only added to that pressure, made his shoulders slump a little more each day with the burden of this world and, at least, one other.

He kicked off his boots and shimmied out of his pants, crawling under the covers and grabbing the paper and pen once more, his favorite photo resting on the covers beside him.

********

It was a few days later that Max had shown up at the ass crack of dawn to pull Michael out of bed so they could surprise Isobel. He’d been doing that now and then, seemingly determined to make sure the three of them remained close, all feeling needed and loved.

Michael wasn’t complaining.

They’d picked up coffee and bagels from Bean Me Up and had a relaxing morning catching up and gossiping, enjoying the perfect weather.

“Did you end up taking my advice?” Max looked at Michael over his coffee once the inevitable subject of his romantic life was brought up.

Nodding, Michael sighed. “Yep. It wasn’t too bad if I do say so myself.”

“Fill me in please.” Isobel leaned back in her chair, long legs crossed and swinging playfully.

Michael pushed a hand through his hair and shook his head with a smile. “I guess I’m having a hard time letting Alex go? I’m happy with Maria but it feels like something changed.” He watched Isobel’s eyes soften and had to look away. “Our resident writer suggested I put pen to paper to move on.”

“Or not,” Max pushed Michael’s knee with his foot. “Could just help you process it all. Don’t have to make any final decisions.”

“Nah, I’m alright. I feel better about it already, I think.”

“He thinks,” Isobel smirked towards Max who nodded in agreement, eyebrows furrowed in false seriousness. “He thinks.”

“Ah, fuck you both.”

He laughed with his siblings as his heart sank.

********

Max dropped him off at the airstream a few hours later with the promise of a free beer at the Pony that night. He was surprised to find Maria sitting around the fire pit, eyes on a fire that sat extinguished.

“Hey. I didn’t know you were coming over.”

She nodded slowly; eyes fixed on his. “I lost my phone and thought it might be here.”

“Ah,” Michael said as he took the seat next to her. “You could have let yourself in, taken a look. You didn’t need to wait for me.”

“Oh, I didn’t.”

Something began to shift uncomfortably inside of Michael, realizing too slowly that something wasn’t quite right with Maria. “You okay?”

She smiled as tears welled in her eyes. “No, I’m not.”

Michael reached out for her, but she stood quickly and moved out of reach. He watched as she faced away from him, listened as she steadied her breath.

“A veteran move as you limp into frame, longing to be your crutch, I want to consume your pain.”

“Maria, wait- “

“So I loosen my belt, a familiar feeling, ten years later and my heart’s still reeling.”

“Maria, just stop and listen- “ but she continued, undeterred.

“Then you show up on my porch, floating down the stream, while I swim uphill, running out of steam.”

As Maria’s voice cracked, Michael held his head in his hands. He never meant for anyone to see what he wrote, let alone Maria. But there was something undeniable about hearing his words out loud. Something he couldn’t walk away from anymore.

“Lies upon lies, thighs upon thighs, of a woman’s touch but _damn_ that guy.” He grimaced as Maria’s voice broke. She turned to face him, crumpled paper shaking in her delicate hands.

“The one who lifted my heaviest sighs with ease. Too much pride to beg; I’ll let my looks say please. So ignore my words, this is where I stand. You’re a pretty little liar, and I’m your man.”

The silence that followed was suffocating. Michael’s heart ached at the look on Maria’s face and he wanted nothing more than to comfort her, to make that expression vanish.

“It’s just a poem, Maria.”

“For Alex.”

“It’s nothing. It’s a last goodbye.”

As a tear danced down her cheek, she shook her head. “You think that poem was a goodbye?”

Michael stood, legs feeling like jelly and out of his control. “I know it was. I wrote the damn thing.”

“When did you write it?”

He buried his hands in his pockets and stared at the sand covering his boots.

“Michael.”

“A couple days ago.”

Scoffing, she took the few steps to stand in front of him, taking hold of his face and forcing him to look at her. The paper in her hand left a small papercut on his cheek.

Her gaze was intense, making him feel naked, too exposed. He tried to pull away, but she just held on tighter. Michael felt his eyes fill, hands coming to her wrists in a silent plea.

“Fuck you, Michael.”

He nodded, finally able to avert his eyes. She dropped her hands and gently pressed the poem against his chest. He quickly covered her hand with his and their eyes met again, both crying and flayed open.

“I knew, Michael. I just kept hoping you’d grow to love me as much as you love him.”

Swallowing, Michael whispered, “I tried. I promise I tried.”

She nodded and leaned into his warmth, arms wrapping around one another and swaying slightly, a last dance in the quiet of the desert. Eventually, Maria pulled back and wiped her eyes, looking around at everything but Michael.

Clearing her throat, she took a step back and pulled her keys from her pocket. “Stay away from the Pony for a while, okay? I need time.”

He nodded and said, “yeah. Of course.”

She nodded in return and walked toward her truck, stopping with the door open and one foot inside.

“That,” she pointed at the paper in his hand, blowing gently with the breeze, “is not a goodbye. It’s a confession.”

Michael watched as she drove away, the dust clouding his view as she left.

He looked down at the paper, reading his poem through blurry eyes. Roughly wiping at his face, Michael carefully folded the paper and tucked it in his back pocket.

In something of a daze, Michael walked into the airstream, sitting on the edge of his bed with his phone in one hand, the photo in the other. He took a deep breath as he hit send, leg bouncing with nerves and a naïve sense of excitement as the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Alex. It’s Michael.”

“Hi. You okay?”

Michael smiled. “Yeah. I was just hoping you could come over. I wanna talk to you.”

His heart raced as Alex said nothing, the seconds ticking away with his pulse pounding in his ears.

“Uh, yeah, of course. What do you need?”

“You.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr prompt

Alex couldn’t help but squirm in his seat, Forrest ignorantly chatting across the table about the progress he’d made with his book. They’d come to the Pony so Forrest could perform in another open mic night despite the fact that Alex would rather be almost anywhere else.

Forrest’s set was great, Alex’s cheeks flushing at the lines of his poetry obviously meant for him. But he’d been distracted most of the night, surprised and thrown off kilter by Michael. They hadn’t seen much of each other the last few weeks, Alex desperately trying to shake off his last memory of Michael and his airstream, putting as much distance between them as possible.

Aside from a few unanswered texts, Alex assumed Michael understood where his head was at and was giving him the space he needed. Based on the near constant staring he’d done all night, however, Alex was definitely starting to doubt that. 

When Forrest headed up to the bar to get another round from a fumbling Max, Alex took the opportunity to head to the restroom. As he was washing his hands, the door opened and, without looking, he knew exactly who entered. The smell of oil and rain filled the cramped space and Alex found his breath caught in his throat.

“Nazi guy? Really? You’ve been avoiding me for Nazi guy?”

Alex grabbed a few paper towels and shook his head. “Forrest. And he’s not why I’ve been avoiding you.”

“Oh,” Michael leaned against the doorway, arms crossed and pelvis pushed out. Alex ignored the voice that screamed at him to just give in and _touch_. “So you are avoiding me.”

Alex met his gaze and searched for the joke, tried to figure out why Michael could consistently dismiss how Alex felt. He scoffed before answering, “of course I am, Michael.”

Michael’s cocky smirk dropped, replaced by concern and confusion. “Why?”

He reached for the door handle but Michael stepped in front of it. “Alex, why?”

Taking a deep breath, Alex glanced at the ceiling, unable to keep looking at the man who split him in two and seemed to have no idea. 

“It’s not the same anymore. Everything changed.” It was just a whisper but Michael clearly heard him, eyes glazing over and taking a step back as though he’d been slapped.

“I thought we were okay...”

“Well we’re not.”

“So you run to Long?”

Alex sighed. “I’m a big boy. I can handle being dumped, Michael. I’m not falling apart. I’m not lonely. I’m just looking for something real. You made sure I knew I wouldn’t find that with you.”

Clearing his throat, Michael reached out for Alex’s arm but Alex shifted his weight, moving just out of reach. 

“I think we’re just not on the same page here, Private. We just need to-”

“How many times did you think you could tell me you didn’t want me before I finally accepted it?” He looked at his boots, taking deep breaths, refusing to get emotional in a piece of shit bathroom. He’d cried too much for Michael already. “That night, the next morning? Everything fell into place for me. You chose Maria and, let’s be honest, if it wasn’t her it’d be someone else. It’ll never be me. I get that now.”

Michael’s mouth hung open. His lips moved but he made no sound. Alex just shook his head. 

Enough.

“My date’s waiting. See you around, Guerin.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty road trip

“You’ve got more shit than Iz,” Michael groaned as he tossed another one of Valenti’s bags into the backseat.

“I’ve learned over the years to be prepared with all of you. It’s ninety percent medical equipment and acetone.” Kyle threw yet another bag into the back with a grunt. Isobel dropped a quick kiss to his cheek. “Very thoughtful of you, babe.”

“Uh, God, are we there yet?” Michael was already feeling anxious, his first trip with Alex was making him more nervous than he thought he’d be. They hadn’t had the boyfriends conversation yet but they’d declared their undying love for one another so he figured that was more important. But being together, officially each other’s, it was so new and surprisingly terrifying. Michael obsessively worried about messing it all up.

“Who’s going in who’s car?” Liz asked, Max sneaking up behind her to wrap his arms around her middle. Michael just rolled his eyes and looked up to the clear blue sky. Liz and Max all loved up in one car. Kyle and Isobel communicating almost exclusively through sexual innuendos in the other.

“Kyle’s back seat is already full, so I guess we’re with Liz and Max.” Michael felt his shoulders relax with Alex’s soft voice in his ear and strong hand resting against the small of his back.

He watched as Isobel leaned into Kyle, the man’s cheeks flushing a bright red as his eyes practically popped, they were so wide. Grimacing, Michael made a retching noise. “Jesus, can we go? I’m calling it right now. If this cabin has a bedroom away from all you people, it’s ours, okay?” He shook his head and took Alex’s hand with a huff, Alex chuckling as he happily followed Michael to Max’s car.

They climbed in and clicked their seatbelts into place. Before Liz and Max got in, Alex leaned over into Michael’s space and whispered, “thanks for calling dibs on some privacy. We’re gonna need it.”

Michael’s lips parted as he felt a blush creep up his neck, setting his ears on fire. The smirk Alex gave him before turning his attention to the couple in the front had Michael struggling to get comfortable.

This was definitely a good idea.

*****

The drive hadn’t been as bad as Michael made it out to be in his head. Aside from some seriously sappy love declarations and questionable hand placement in the front seat, Liz and Max had been quiet, occasionally checking in and chatting about random stuff.

After they’d stopped and grabbed lunch at a small diner, Michael felt his eyelids get heavy and rested his head against the cool glass of the window. Before sleep took him, he felt callused fingers slide into his and squeeze tight. Glancing at Alex, Michael was gifted a gentle smile and a small nudge to close his eyes again.

He smiled and happily obliged. When he opened them again, they were in the middle of nowhere, an isolated cabin on a private lake. Stepping out of the car and stretching his back, Michael felt the final pulls of tension leave him. The trees were dense, the cabin more like a log mansion than anything else and he could already see a small beach through the branches.

Alex’s arm brushed against his own as they stood together taking in the view. They were both aware of the other couples gathering their bags and making their way into the house but Alex and Michael, as always, stood together in their own little world.

“We needed this,” Alex sighed, fingers skimming the thin skin of Michael’s wrist, shooting a chill up his arm and down his spine. “Thank you for bringing me.”

Michael chuckled, “like there’s anyone else I’d want here.” The smile he got in return was faded at the corners, like a light had slightly dimmed, making his stomach roll with a new wave of anxiety. But Alex just silently squeezed his hand and walked to Kyle’s car, starting the arduous process of unloading all their shit.

Michael knew it would come up again. But ignoring it, for now, worked, too.

******

That night, the six friends sat around the fire pit, sipping beers, and listening to Michael joke about taking vacations at the airstream if this was what they wanted to do.

The group reminisced about different times throughout their lives. Elementary school when Kyle and Alex were inseparable. The time Michael got suspended for proving his physics teacher wrong in high school. Isobel tried sharing her first sexual experience but everyone, with the noted exception of Kyle, shut that shit down.

Every story Liz shared had to do with Alex and Maria, the memories from senior year that seemed to mean the world to her. Everyone laughed and smiled with each new hijink, but Michael watched Alex’s face closely, how each anecdote brought a sadness to his eyes that he started worrying might not go away.

“Well,” Michael awkwardly interrupted, “I’m exhausted.” He glanced down at Alex and offered his hand. “You ready for bed?”

Alex gratefully smiled back and nodded, taking the offered hand, and walking into the cabin with Michael, the other’s following along in agreement.

Just as he’d said, Michael snagged the room furthest away from the other bedrooms. It wasn’t fancy by any means, a queen bed taking up most of the room with a bedside table on either side and one small dresser. They had their own bathroom, though, right outside the door.

Purposely taking his time getting ready, Michael felt that now familiar pang of worry bouncing in his chest. Alex had seemed upset at the fire. Was it Maria? Was he just feeling nostalgic? Was it something Michael did? Or didn’t do? Or didn’t say?

With his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, he gripped the scalloped edges of the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. _You wouldn’t be so fucking worried if you hadn’t messed this all up in the first place._ He sighed and shook his head, spitting into the sink and wiping his mouth with a towel. He took a deep breath and steadied himself for whatever came next. Maybe an uncomfortable conversation or the silent treatment, or classic Alex’s Manes denial. Was it too naïve to hope for everything to simply be okay?

He walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom to discover it was empty. Where he’d left Alex sitting on the edge of the bed taking off his prosthetic, was now a messy dip in the blanket. Michael looked around the room, stupidly hoping Alex would just be hiding in a corner before his heart began to pound. He moved quickly down the hall, covering his ears as he was assaulted with surround sound sex, and was flooded with concern when he found the living room and kitchen empty, too.

Tossing on a shirt and sliding his feet into someone else’s shoes, he went outside, the cabin door’s slam echoing in the dark.

“Alex?” he called, waiting with bated breath for an answer. He tried a few more times, walking around the house and checking to make sure all the cars were there. Nothing was out of place.

With his hands tugging at his hair, an odd movement caught his eye on the beach. Shaking his head, Michael headed down, preparing once again for whatever he was walking straight into.

“Can you not do that, please?”

Alex jumped and put his hand over his racing heart. “Jesus Christ, Michael. You scared the shit out of me!”

“Yeah, well, serves you right,” he mumbled as he sat in the beach chair next to Alex. “With our history you can’t just disappear. I thought someone stole you already. We’ve been here four hours.”

Alex gave a half-hearted smile before looking back over the silent water, moonlight reflecting off it, a nighttime mirror.

“What’s bothering you?”

Alex shook his head and swallowed. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“I snuck up on you.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No one sneaks up on you.”

Alex lifted an eyebrow at Michael who waited patiently for Alex to try arguing. With a sigh, Alex shrugged. “I don’t want to ruin anything, Michael.”

He took Alex’s hand in his own, moving his thumb across the smooth skin but keeping his eyes focused on the still lake. “Nothing’ll be ruined. Just talk to me.”

Michael curled his toes into the sand, focusing on the feeling to keep his mouth shut, desperately trying to give Alex the time he needed.

“I keep waiting for you to go back to Maria.”

Michael’s free hand curled into a fist, his nails digging into his palm. He didn’t know why it didn’t occur to him that Alex may still be uncomfortable around Maria, hearing about Maria. It seemed so fucking obvious now.

“I don’t want Maria.”

“But you did.”

“You wanted Forrest.”

“Not the same, Michael.” He sighed and shook his head. “You had a choice, between me and Maria. You chose Maria. That ended, then you chose me.”

Michael’s heart fell to his feet at Alex’s words and the debilitating sadness behind them. He picked up his chair and planted it directly in front of Alex. Michael leaned in close and took both of Alex’s hands in his.

“I made a mistake. You wanted me to be someone I wasn’t ready to be.” Michael gripped Alex’s hands tighter, aching for him to understand. “It was like my brain was filled with tangled wires, knotted and twisted together, and you wanted to untangle them, one at a time. It-it was too overwhelming, it seemed way too hard. But Maria,” he grimaced as he watched Alex physically flinch, “she was happy to just leave the pile of wires just like they were.”

Alex looked toward the trees on his right, steadying his breathing. Michael gave him a moment before lifting his fingers to Alex’s chin to face him once again.

“Alex, the wires couldn’t work in that fucking mess and you knew it. I took the easy way, but it didn’t work. Maria was kind and I did care about her but, god, she wasn’t you. And I needed you. I still do.”

They sat in silence; Michael gripping Alex’s hands so tight the pads of his fingers lost color.

“I don’t know how to get over it, Michael. She was my best friend.”

Michael nodded, the weight of not only hurting Alex but destroying one of his most precious friendships sitting heavy in his core. “I don’t know what to say. I’ll apologize forever if you’ll let me.”

Leaning forward to rest his forehead against Michael’s, Alex whispered, “no. I don’t want that.” Michael slid his fingers up Alex’s neck and into his hair, afraid Alex may slip away like sand once again.

“I think I’m gonna go back to therapy.”

“Really?”

“You keep telling me that you want to be with me and, a part of me believes you, knows that you wouldn’t lie about that. But another part of me doesn’t think it’s possible. You could have anyone, all the Maria’s of the world, and you actually want me.” He wiped his nose and sniffed, pulling back just enough to look Michael in the eye. “That’s a me problem, not a you problem.”

“That’s an us problem, Alex. I’m not going anywhere but I want you to believe that you’re it for me. That I don’t want anyone else. I never really did, I just- “

Alex nodded, saying, “I know.”

“We’re supposed to be together, Alex. I’ve known since we were kids. We’ve just been surrounded by so much shit, it’s like we didn’t get a fair chance. And then we both believed we didn’t deserve it.”

“Cosmic, right?”

Michael smiled and brushed his thumb along Alex’s cheek, wiping away a stray tear. “Cosmic, baby.”

“I love you.”

Warmth blossomed in Michael’s chest and spread through his body instantly at Alex’s words. Maria had said she loved him, waited with large, hopeful eyes as he stared back, confused as to why he felt nothing but panic and couldn’t force his mouth to repeat the sentiment. It felt nothing like this.

He refused to hide his beaming smile.

“I love you, too.”

For the second time that night, Michael stood and offered his hand to Alex, who bashfully took it and accepted the help to stand. With their arms wrapped tightly around one another, they strolled back to the cabin, a light breeze cooling their too hot skin.

As soon as they were through the door, Michael cringed at the moans and _yeses_ ricocheting off the walls. He shook his head as he slid his feet out of what he realized now were Max’s shoes. “It’s like they’re having a competition. Who can fuck the loudest?”

A shiver ran from the crown of Michael’s head to his toes at the warm breath dancing in his ear. “I bet we’ll win.”

Alex sauntered down the hall, walking backwards as he slowly unbuttoned his top, sexy smirk painted on his lips with a wink in his eye.

Michael was more than willing to play along. And Alex was nothing if not a fucking winner.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for reading and supporting! Come say hi over on tumblr @captainsassmanes


End file.
